A heartbreaking and compellingly written memoir of raising a transgender daughter in rural New Hampshire.
Abi Maxwell knew she wanted to raise her child in the Granite State town where she grew up, at the edge of a lake that still spoke to her heart. She tried to be supportive when the child, whom she had presumed was a boy, wanted to wear pink shoes and dresses. Maxwell had a gay brother, and knew there were many ways to be a boy. Nevertheless, her child had long been “brilliant but angry,” chastised in kindergarten for behavioral problems—and the school made it difficult to get needed services, even after a diagnosis of autism.
Finally, Maxwell and her husband Paul listened to what the six-year-old had been trying to tell them for years: She was a girl, not a boy. When they let her live as who she was, the newly renamed and less angry Greta beamed with joy at being herself and having a word to describe people like her: transgender.
Although Maxwell strove to support her daughter in living as her true self, she worried—with cause, it turns out—about how their conservative community would react. Greta was bullied. School administrators balked at letting her use the girls’ bathroom and forbid the use of the word “transgender” in classrooms, even in a state that recently passed laws to protect trans children in schools. Neighbors spoke out at school board meetings against trans-inclusive policies and didn’t want Greta to play sports with other girls.
Despite Maxwell’s deep family ties to the town, the family considered moving out of state, but Paul’s medical issues and the health insurance from his current employer kept them in place—and moving posed its own problems. As Maxwell describes their struggles, she reflects on this town where she was raised, and her relationships with her own parents, grandparents, and gay brother.
Maxwell also critically examines her own behavior, for example, how she initially allowed her child to wear dresses at home, but nowhere else. This echoed how her father and stepmother had treated her gay and gender nonconforming brother’s love of femininity—a response that led to shame. Only later did Maxwell realize, “It is such a clear lesson: your identity, the core of who you are, is not okay with the world.” She knew from her brother’s struggles with addiction and attempt to die by suicide just how damaging such a lesson could be.
She resolved to do better for her child, but even after the school board passed policies that aligned with the state’s trans-inclusive laws, she knew that a huge gap remained between policies and true support.
I won’t discuss the family’s next steps, for fear of spoilers, but highly recommend this raw and wrenching tale of community bias, family trauma, intergenerational ties, and the efforts of a mother to protect, support, and nurture the fullness of her daughter’s self. Maxwell writes beautifully and hauntingly, weaving past and present to share the story of her family and give us a powerful example of the very personal and negative impact that anti-trans legislation and policies have on children.
Would that all people who need to learn the book’s lessons will read it.
Content warnings for an attempt to die by suicide; rape; and sexual assault (none of which involved Greta).
