Many family creation guides give some space to the question of whether to have kids in the first place, but move quickly on to assuming that you do and explaining how you might begin. Jordan Davidson’s new book, however, focuses on the former question, and does so in a way that is seamlessly inclusive of both LGBTQ and non-LGBTQ identities. She weaves anecdotes from a wide variety of people (including many queer ones), findings from social science research, and her own thoughtful commentary into an informative and approachable guide, which is (despite a few errors that I point out below) recommended for anyone considering but not necessarily sure about parenthood.
A Helpful, Inclusive Guide
Through the book, Davidson says, “You’re learning about parenthood and its alternatives so that you can make the best decision for yourself and reduce the risk that you’ll regret your future choices.” In addition to heaps of information and stories, she provides specific suggestions for questions people should ask themselves and things they should reflect on as they consider whether to pursue parenthood or childfree life.
The first section asks, “Do you want kids?” and explores where parenting desires come from, why people who do want kids say they want them, and how both our upbringing and society influence people’s choices about parenthood.
The next section asks, “Should you have kids?” and looks thoughtfully at topics like the demands and rewards of parenthood; what happens if a couple disagrees on whether to have children; financial concerns; if passing on your genes is a good thing; issues around gender dysphoria and pregnancy; if climate change should impact whether to have kids; what happens if you are concerned you won’t be a good parent; and if you’re afraid of pregnancy or childbirth.
The book then covers “How to have kids,” including the workings of human reproductive systems, fertility preservation (for both cis and trans people), what causes infertility and how to manage the feelings it may bring, assisted reproduction (including using donors or surrogates), and adoption and foster care. Davidson not only explores each option in some detail, but also offers helpful tips like, “Understanding your fertility is a crucial family planning tool whether you’re looking to get pregnant or avoid it.”
The final section offers advice if “You don’t want kids,” with tips on saying no to parenthood and an exploration of the positive things that a childfree life can bring.
Davidson includes information for LGBTQ people throughout, indicating when our needs and concerns may differ from those of other prospective parents (and breaking these out by specific identities when necessary), but also noting that “Straight and queer people tend to want to have children for the same reasons.” She uses terms like “birthing parent” and “pregnant person” to include all gender identities, and also includes stories from asexual people. She also explains what it means to be intersex and how differences in our reproductive systems can affect fertility. Additionally, she looks at topics and concerns specific to people of color, for example, the Black maternal mortality rate and racially biased messages about fertility and family.
Some Gaps and Errors
There are a couple of errors, however, which have the possibility of misleading queer readers about critical legal protections. While she rightly and importantly notes, “Second-parent adoption gives nongenetic or nonbirthing parents legal protections should their parentage be called into question,” she also uses the phrase, “second-parent adoption, sometimes called stepparent adoption.” Second-parent adoption is not, however, the same as stepparent adoption, although both result in legal parentage. As the Movement Advancement Project explains, “Stepparent adoption laws require the parents be legally married, while second-parent adoption laws do not. As a result of the 2015 Supreme Court ruling in Obergefell, all same-sex couples can now access marriage, including the option for stepparent adoption. Only some states offer second-parent adoption independent of marriage status.” stepparent rather than simply a parent.
Furthermore, although “second-parent adoption” is a term in long use, many LGBTQ parents and advocates now feel that it implies the nonbiological parent is secondary. They therefore often use the term “co-parent adoption” instead. More importantly, though, they only use the term “stepparent adoption” when the person adopting is in fact a stepparent (someone coming into the life of a legal parent and child after the death or divorce of another parent), or when it is necessary to specify which type of adoption a particular state may offer.
Davidson also errs in her discussion of voluntary acknowledgments of parentage (VAPs) as a way of securing parental rights. She explains:
Another option is a voluntary acknowledgment of parenting [sic], but Gena [lawyer Gena Jaffe] advises against this because a court can overturn it. The document, which gets signed by both parents in the hospital, can be called into question, leaving it up to the court to decide. It offers nowhere near as much protection as a judgment of parentage or an order of adoption, which is irrevocable once issued by the court.
This contradicts what LGBTQ legal organization GLAD, which has led the charge to enact expanded, LGBTQ-inclusive parentage laws (including VAPs) in New England, says on its website (my bold):
Federal law requires states to provide a simple civil process for acknowledging parentage immediately before or after the birth of a child. That simple civil process is the Voluntary Acknowledgment of Parentage, or VAP, program…. Properly executed, a VAP has the binding force of a court order and is valid in all jurisdictions. Federal law requires that a signatory be able to rescind the form for any reason within 60 days after its signing or prior to an administrative or judicial proceeding relating to the child in which the signatory is a party, whichever is earlier. If the form is not rescinded within that 60-day time frame, a VAP can be challenged only on the basis of duress, material mistake of fact, or fraud.
The Movement Advancement Project also notes in an extensive report on parentage laws, published in June, 2023, that a VAP “is the legal equivalent of a court decree of parentage and, under federal law, should be respected across state lines and in all jurisdictions.”
GLAD does also note, “VAPs, as noted above, are the equivalent of a court decree and therefore receive full faith and credit in all jurisdictions. Until expanded VAPs are more widely established, GLAD recommends taking a ‘belt and suspenders’ approach and also completing a co-parent adoption.” As I understand it, however, from conversations with various LGBTQ family law experts, that’s not the same as offering “nowhere near as much protection.” VAPs should offer the same amount of protection—but couples of all genders (not just men-women pairs) have only recently been able to access them (and only in 11 states so far), so there may be more clarity if you do a co-parent adoption as well. I am not a lawyer myself, however, and do not intend this to be legal advice. If you are considering a VAP, you should consult with a lawyer in your state well-versed in LGBTQ family law, or reach out to an LGBTQ legal organization, e.g., the GLAD Legal InfoLine or NCLR Legal Information Hotline.
On another topic, Davidson includes perspectives from donor-conceived people (DCP) about being donor conceived—and these are certainly important viewpoints to consider. Davidson tells us that “the best option, according to DCP, is a known donor, someone whom your child has access to throughout their life.” It’s unclear if the DCP she is citing here have queer or non-queer parents, though, since she also cites a study of young adults with lesbian parents that found “most felt neutral or comfortable not knowing the identity of their genetic father.” And she makes no reference here to the fact that known donors may make things legally challenging for queer parents in some states, as in this recent Oklahoma case. (Not that LGBTQ parents shouldn’t use known donors; my point is just that there are more legal issues around them than for non-LGBTQ folks, and that’s not noted here.)
There are also a few smaller points in the book that could be clarified. For example, Davidson writes that for same-sex couples, “insurance won’t cover fertility treatment since you haven’t been trying ‘naturally’ and therefore, by their standards, do not have infertility.” While that is unfortunately true in most instances, a small but growing number of employers do cover fertility treatments without requiring a period of “trying” or a medical diagnosis of infertility.
There is also little guidance here about how queer couples with the same reproductive systems can navigate the question of who carries the child or whose egg or sperm is used, although there are a few stories in which Davidson’s interviewees share why they made the specific choices they did. (Two other recent books, LGBTQ Family Building and Queer Conception both offer more advice on this, however.) Finally, there is little information about the legal costs that queer couples may incur to secure their parental rights, although there is an unquantified mention of second-parent adoption being expensive (though a few states now significantly reduce those fees).
Overall
If I’ve been thorough in noting some of the errors and gaps here, it’s because I really do like so much of it. It’s great to see a book that acknowledges the commonalities of the decision to parent (or not) while also exploring many specifics for different sub-groups. I love that the language throughout is inclusive and that information for and about LGBTQ people is not confined to one “special” section (although a few sub-sections are specific to queer families). It is also refreshing to see a book that spends so much time taking a positive look at not having kids. As much as I love being a parent, I’ll be the first to assert that it’s not for everyone.
Davidson writes, “Making a decision that you feel good about requires a deep understanding of not only yourself but also the societal norms and external factors shaping your thought processes as well as what it means to be a parent.” Her book should help many to develop those understandings and move forward with a choice that feels right for them.
