From clinical psychotherapist and sexuality educator Rachel E. Simon, author of the bestselling The Every Body Book, comes this LGBTQ-inclusive volume for preteens and teens that looks at the topic of consent from many angles, sexual and otherwise.
Consent, Simon writes, can be about a choice as small as whether to lend a sibling a toy, or something larger, like “Am I okay with my friend saying mean things to me?”
In the first chapter, Simon simply but clearly explains concepts like agency and power, and stresses the importance of self-reflection as well as having empathy, compassion, and respect, both for oneself and others.
Chapter 2 focuses on bodies, covering topics like personal space, body autonomy, and emotional boundaries, as well as “private parts.” Simon stresses that the latter aren’t bad or shameful, but that it’s probably best not to talk about them in public, even with trusted adults, since “not everyone is comfortable with the same conversations.”
A special section on “Diverse Minds and Bodies” then discusses what it means to be intersex, and notes that sometimes, doctors and parents may consent to surgeries on an intersex baby’s genitals to make them look more “typical” for what they think the baby’s gender will be—but the baby hasn’t consented. Intersex people may later not be happy with this, Simon explains, which is why some intersex activists are working to restrict such surgeries. Circumcision and ear piercing, the section adds, are some non-medical decisions that parents often make before a child is old enough to consent, and “some people disagree with these choices.”
The section also covers disabled bodies and neurodivergence, stressing the importance of communication and consent, especially when someone may communicate differently. All of this is useful, but might have been better later in the book, after readers are more familiar with concepts of boundaries and getting and giving consent.
Chapter 3, in fact, explores ways of giving and getting consent, both in everyday situations and in relation to sexual consent, “physical touch that is meant to create sexual pleasure.” Simon emphasizes that “Consent is a yes that is free of pressure and free of fear,” and involves “real listening.”
Chapter 4 is about how one can set and communicate boundaries, how to respond if someone tries to push past your boundaries, and what to do when another person says no to you. (Short answer: respect their boundaries.)
Chapter 5 is titled, “Getting Support,” although it somewhat confusingly begins by discussing consent to information—the idea that no one should share another’s thoughts, identities, photos, or other private information without permission. For LGBTQIA+ people, Simon notes, this includes information like their queer identity and pronouns, and friends should ask, for example, if there are places where they should use different pronouns (the implication being that the queer person may not be out to everyone).
Simon notes important exceptions to keeping others’ information private—say, if someone is being hurt, or threatening another, or things are otherwise unsafe. In those cases, one should tell a trusted adult. She also explains the concept of “grooming”: when someone tries to build trust in order to “behave in bad or unsafe ways.” If someone tries to cross your boundaries in any way, she writes, “It’s okay to find support.”
Chapter 6 looks at “Power, Porn, and Unsafe Situations,” covering power dynamics, privilege, and systemic oppression, which can all impact consent. Simon notes the large role that gender—and society’s ideas about gender—can play in consent, and how outdated ideas of gender and power can harm people of all genders and sexualities.
Simon treads carefully on the issue of porn, being clear that it’s not for kids and that porn on the Internet does not usually reflect real-life sexual activity or model consent. At the same time, she acknowledges that people have different feelings about porn, both positive and negative.
The chapter concludes with a discussion of what to do when confronted with a confusing or complicated situation about consent (talk to a trusted adult), and also how to be an upstander (when it is safe to do so) and intervene when one encounters someone making others uncomfortable.
A final chapter offers additional resources. These are useful, but include a few errors: “Teaching Tolerance” changed its name in early 2021 to Learning for Justice; HRC’s Welcoming Schools is a project of the HRC Foundation—it’s not the “Welcoming Schools Foundation.” A glossary follows.
The cheery illustrations by Noah Grigni enhance and extend the text, showing young people diverse in many ways (including ones who read as queer), who sometimes model useful dialog. (One small disconnect: The text on one page defines “private parts” as those covered by a bathing suit, although the facing illustration, captioned “These body parts are private and should never be touched without consent,” also includes the mouth.)
This is a positive and useful volume, although a few parts could have been better organized. It offers young readers a good grounding in ideas around consent, suggestions for exploring their own feelings, ways to practice giving and getting consent—and not giving it—and taking action when they experience or see something non-consensual.
Simon recommends that young people read the book with a trusted adult, which feels like a good idea, particularly for readers at the younger end of the suggested 4th to 6th grade range. My own suggestion is not to try and read through the whole thing at one go with a young person; take the time to discuss each chapter, or even each concept, and revisit the book at intervals as your child grows.
