In this reflective and well-crafted memoir, Suzette Mullen shares her journey to coming out as a lesbian in her 50s.
Mullen had degrees from Wellesley College and Harvard Law School, a loving and patient husband, two grown sons, and a home on the ocean. But when she begins to realize that she has been in love with her best friend Reenie for nearly two decades, she finds herself reassessing her life and who she thought herself to be.
Weaving smoothly between the book’s “present” of the 2010s and past moments, Mullen shows how her past relationships with friends and family, along with her Christian (though not Conservative Christian) context, shaped her choices and how she saw the world. As she pieces together clues about her unfurling identity, processes Reenie’s response, and finds support online from the “LaLas”—other “late-in-life lesbians”—she begins to wonder whether to play it safe and stay with what seems like a perfect life, or open herself up to new possibilities.
While Mullen is initially hesitant to divorce her husband and leave her home and habits of 30 years, they eventually do divorce. She then tries to figure out what to tell friends and family, including her sons, and how to navigate the daily practicalities of living on her own. At the same time, she plunges into the mysteries of online dating and lesbian community while grappling with the “massive disorientation” of her new awakening. Eventually, though, she finds a new start in a new place, bolstered by new friends and a queer-led faith community, having finally chosen to live authentically as herself.
My only small quibble is when Mullen is told by her friend Anne that she is brave, and thinks to herself, “I didn’t feel as if I had led a brave life,” but then says, “People like Anne’s child, who had come out in college as trans, were brave.” Trans people are often called “brave” as a seeming compliment, but this has problematic (though as here, unintended) connotations, as this article at the Guardian explains. I flag this to raise readers’ awareness of the issue, but it is a minor detail in the overall tale.
Throughout the book, Mullen looks thoughtfully at the turbulent years of her coming out, sharing some of her most vulnerable moments in a moving narrative. She gives other people coming out late in life the gift of her own story as an example that change does happen and things can get better. The message of surviving through transformational change is one that should appeal more widely as well. A lovely and recommended read.
Content warning: Some mentions of suicide ideation.
