“Ugly,” author Stephanie Fairyington writes, is “a word with fangs that can kill a woman’s self-esteem in one bite.” In these pages, memoir, part cultural history, and part social commentary, she shares the story of how she came to see herself as ugly, offering reflections and thoughtful analysis to help her daughter (and, presumably, readers and their daughters) override similar toxic messages.
Fairyington explores differences in what constitutes beauty across cultures and eras, and the impact of various influences including racial and ethnic stereotypes, disability, gender, queerness, and biological connection (or nonbiological connection; she herself is a nongestational, nongenetic mother). But while ugliness and beauty form the throughlines here, in both literal and more figurative senses, Fairyington also looks more broadly at ideas of difference, connection, and belonging. Her exploration Is underpinned not only by her childhood experiences and her growing sense of self as a lesbian with gender dysphoria, but also by how she and her now-wife Sabrina formed their own family, how her own self-image played into that process, and how motherhood has sharpened her desire to unpack and challenge many of society’s messages about beauty, biology, and family.
The more personal sections of the book rub shoulders with ones that delve into more academic topics like social constructionism, structuralism, queer theory, and cultural history. Although her scope is wide-ranging, Fairyington keeps returning to the goal of offering her daughter a guidebook for her own developing self. “I hope you’ll always see beauty where others don’t and tend to it in yourself and others in your gentle way because, ultimately, it’s all beautiful,” she writes. “Even the things that are ugly—ugly words, ugly ideas, ugly beliefs, ugly behaviors—are necessary to the expansion of our humanity and spiritual awakening.”
More than just a look at beauty standards, this is a richly textured, thought-provoking, and highly recommended read.
