This week’s Family Voices interview is with gay dads Rod and Lindel, who live in Massachusetts with their toddler Hugh. Below, they share their thoughts about adoption, extended family, routine, visibility, and more.
As with the previous families highlighted in this feature, they are members of the Family Pride Coalition’s OUTSpoken Families program, and committed to speaking with their local communities and media (and the occasional blog!) about their lives and the need for LGBT equality.
1. Tell us a little about your family. Who is in your immediate family? Anything particular you’d like to share about yourselves?
Our immediate family consists of dads Rod and Lindel Hart and son, Hugh Emerson Hart (20 months).
Lindel and I met and dated in NYC, then celebrated our civil union in Woodstock, VT on 01/01/01 before marrying in Massachusetts in May 2005. After our Massachusetts marriage we decided to change our last name to Hart (a tribute to John Hart, signer of the Declaration of Independence and a direct ancestor of Lindel’s) in recognition of our union and anticipation of starting a family.
Lindel is a yoga instructor and Rod is a teacher. Rod recently completed his Ed.D. (entitled “Teaching as a Performing Art”) from the University of Massachusetts – Amherst.
2. How did you create your family? What advice would you give to other couples taking this route? Any resources you found particularly helpful?
We created our family through domestic adoption. We used a local Northampton-based adoption agency that was excited to assist a married gay couple. We had anticipated struggles, red tape, random difficulties and fits and starts; however, the process was smooth and moved very rapidly. Hugh was in our home one week after the completion of our home study. We never anticipated that the process could go so fast.
One suggestion for couples hoping to adopt domestically is to be prepared for things to more quickly and not assume that adoption necessarily equals months or years of waiting. While many adoptions may take months or years, ours took six days. It was a (happy!) shock. We had never considered that the process would move so fast. Hugh was born three days after we learned about him and was home with us four days after his birth. In that rushed week, we received his prenatal records and consulted with our pediatrician, informed our families that there would be a new little guy in our lives, painted a nursery, enlisted the grandparents in outfitting out home with bottles, clothes, cribs, bouncy seats and all the other baby-related paraphernalia, and said goodbye to our childless lives.
Hugh was born in a hospital 2 hours away from our home. When we arrived to meet him and take him home, we anticipated problems or delays; there were none. The nurses were excited to see two men and treated us with kindness and respect. The experience was beautiful. I remember Lindel and I standing around Hugh’s bassinet in the hospital, staring at him as he slept. After about 5 minutes, the nurses wondered aloud if we were going to pick him up. Lindel was overcome with emotion, so I held him first. Although I had never held a newborn before, it came easily. I remember listening to his breathing and feeling an overwhelming sense of calm.
3. What has been the most challenging thing you’ve faced as a parent? How did you handle it?
After 7 months of smooth sailing, Lindel and I were feeling confident and comfortable as new dads. Then in May, Hugh had an epileptic seizure. Suddenly we were sleeping in the Pediatric ICU and listening to doctors tell us about the range of issues that Hugh might face. Luckily, we had insurance. Luckily, we had a supportive family. And luckily, we had competent doctors who treated Hugh with great care. Hugh now takes daily medication for his seizure condition and has been seizure-free for many months now. His development is typical and he is a happy, healthy boy. However, it was incredibly difficult, draining, challenging, horrible and daunting to face such a terrifying medical condition in your child as such a new parent. If there is a positive outcome, it is that, having come through this ordeal, we stopped reading parenting books and comparing our son to their descriptions of typical children. We trusted all the pediatricians and specialists who had performed batteries of test to let us know how Hugh was progressing (wonderfully!) and who reminded us that Hugh was an individual and not a generality.
4. How has your son dealt with having two dads? Has he experienced any negative reactions at school or elsewhere? Any particularly positive ones? What was your response?
Hugh is now 20 months old and blissfully ignorant of how his family may differ from others in the neighborhood. He loves his parents and grandparents, has many friends with moms, and has not shown much interest in gender. Nevertheless, we believe that our family does receive special positive attention in our community. We are given lots of positive feedback from friends, neighbors and community members when they see us shopping or walking in town. So many people tell us, after remarking how handsome and smiling Hugh is, that he is a lucky boy. They have it backwards. We are the lucky ones.
5. Your Web site shows images of many people I assume are your son’s grandparents and other relatives. What is their role in your family life?
Hugh has a large, loving extended family. His grandparents (and great grandfather) are wonderful people who love him loads. Lindel’s mother, Maxine, could not be more thrilled to have a new baby in the family. Her next youngest grandchild is now in college. Rod’s parents had been asking for a grandchild since our wedding. They make sure to visit every month and have been a great resource, especially when Hugh was a newborn. Rod’s mom, in particular, offered excellent advice on sleep and meal scheduling. The grandparent response has been entirely positive and loving. It bears mentioning that Rod is himself adopted, so Rod’s folks now not only have an adopted child, but an adopted grandchild, as well. It was very special and emotional for them to witness the finalization of Hugh’s adoption as it brought back many memories. All of Hugh’s grandparents have circles of friends who also shown great support and love. Hugh gets plenty of attention and visitors whenever he is at grandma’s house. Our only wish is that everyone lived closer together to enjoy Hugh on a more regular basis.
6. You are very involved with your local library. In what way? Why did you choose to do this?
I (Lindel) serve on the Board of Trustees of our local library. I have always utilized the services of public libraries wherever I lived and have supported both the New York Public Library and our local library with financial contributions. When the director of our library approached me to consider applying for a position on the Board of Trustees, I was delighted. I recognized it as an opportunity to use my talents to benefit an organization that already has my enthusiastic support. It is also a way to be visible in the community as a gay parent, since my son will undoubtedly frequent the library in the years to come, and I think that is very important.
7. Why did you choose to be part of Family Pride’s OUTSpoken program?
As a public school teacher I (Rod) recognize the importance of making one’s voice heard in the community. This is especially important for minorities. Gay parenting, by openly gay couples, is a relatively new phenomenon and increased visibility is key to increased understanding. I hope that by adding our family’s face and voice will increase awareness, openness and understanding in our community and nation. I want to make sure that when Hugh is ready to begin school that the schools are prepared for families like ours. But this can only happen if we gay families make our presence, our concerns and our resources known to the schools and other civic institutions.
8. How else, if at all, are you involved in your community or in LGBT activism/politics?
We aren’t very active in LGBT associations although we contribute financially to organizations that support the LGBT community. As an openly gay educator at UMASS and at a local middle school Rod is working to promote tolerance and understanding in that setting. Most of our impact comes from our daily lives, working within our communities and living our lives. Sharing our family’s story and going about our business, we interact with so many people – and hopefully – we increase their awareness and positive attitude toward gay men and gay families. We also speak openly with friends and family about the challenges we face in not having our marriage recognized on the federal level and solicit their support in righting this injustice.
9. What’s your favorite: a) family activity; b) children’s book?
A) Playing “tent” by crawling under a blanket. Hugh loves this!
B) In the Night Kitchen and Where the Wild Things Are by Maurice Sendak
Don’t Let the Pigeon Drive the Bus by Mo Willems
The Boy Who Cried Fabulous by Leslea Newman
10. If you had a parenting motto, what would it be and why?
BE CONSISTENT. Find a schedule that works for the family and stick to it. Although Lindel and I are adults who enjoy flexibility, Hugh thrives with his routine. Hugh slept through the night (7pm-7am) at 3 months, largely due to the fact that we had a daily routine that rarely wavered. This gave us new dads a boost of confidence – we always knew he was rested, fed, engaged and clean. Hugh is one of the most delightful little guys, and I credit much of this to a family routine that assures him adequate time for play, reading, outdoor activities, and sleep! Now that Hugh takes medicine a few times daily, the routine also makes sure that his meds are delivered effectively. At 20 months Hugh is becoming aware of the patterns in the world and in his life and is not resistant when transitioning to playtime, indoor time, or to bath and bed since he knows what is coming next, expects it and is delighted to have his expectations met.
Additionally, we introduced sign language to Hugh at 7 months. By 10 months he began using some simple signs for milk, eat, etc. Now at 20 months Hugh has a large spoken and signed vocabulary. This makes life so much easier. He effortlessly communicates what he wants including “diaper change”, “eat”, specific foods and beverages, “sleep”, etc. Not only does this take the guesswork out of parenting, but it also empowers Hugh. As new dads, we recommend baby signing wholeheartedly. Life is easier when you understand your infant – and vice versa. It also complements the daily routine – we can tell Hugh what is coming up next, or now, he can tell us – which is exciting, too.