This week’s Family Voices interview is with lesbian moms Rachel and Sandy, who live in Washington state with their four children and co-parent with the biological dad of three of them. Below, they talk about their successful efforts to create safer schools and influence politicians, the benefits of co-parenting, being an egg donor to another family, staying authentic for our kids, teaching other children about our families, and the tribulations of car-ride arguments.
As with the previous families highlighted in this feature, they are members of the Family Pride Coalition’s OUTSpoken Families program, and committed to speaking with their local communities and media about their lives and the need for LGBT equality.
1. Tell us a little about your family. Who is in your immediate family? Anything particular you’d like to share about yourselves?
Our immediate family consists of Sandy (Mum/Mummy), Rachel (Mom for the older ones/Mommy to the younger one), three biological children and one foster son. Michael is 14, Brennen is 12, Kyle is 9 and Laura is 7. I know of other couples who use names less similar—say, Emah and Mommy, but my mother claimed “Emah” (Hebrew for mom) when I was pregnant explaining she felt too young to be a “Bubbie.” Our kids decided on Mummy and Mommy. Sandy is Canadian so Mummy it was. Although they sound similar, the kids are always clear about who they are calling. As we age and become harder of hearing, we both just answer.
2. How did you create your family? What advice would you give to other couples taking this route? Any resources you found particularly helpful?
We have created our own family biologically and through the foster care system as well as creating families for two other couples through egg donation—I gave my eggs to two couples as a known donor. I function like an aunt to their four children (two each), similar in age to our own. My spouse Sandy was adopted and although she is very clear who her mom is, she had natural curiosity about her birth mom. Same is true of my aunt who was adopted. Both sought out their birth mom for medical reasons and to see their own reflection. This informed my decision to be known and always available. Being known takes all the “secrecy” away, helps the children know that their story in beautiful and should be “in the light.” and our children get the benefit of half siblings. I get calls from our friends, the kids’ moms to share their parenting joys and challenges and with random kid questions like allergic rashes after eating strawberries. I then call my mom who confirms that I grew out of a strawberry allergy I don’t remember. Our families adore one another—my parents and grandparents enjoy all the kids. It’s a great, open family. The kids are very clear who their parents are and who their aunties are—that’s us. The kids play together at family occasions and holidays. It’s a kick to note their similarities—both appearance and personalities.
All of our kids—biological, foster and “egg babies”—know how much they were wanted and how they came to the world and into our family. No secrets, just joy. Our eldest son knew how a baby was made in a petri-dish before he knew about sex. He explained this to his first grade teacher while I was taking fertility drugs. We credit him with picking out his half sister on the ultrasound monitor of my ovaries.
Our biological children are the result of a heterosexual marriage. Their dad was my best/safe-to-figure-myself-out with college guy friend. We both responded with best intentions to a surprise, pill pregnancy—we married—the “so called right thing to do”—or so we thought or convinced ourselves. We both love our children deeply and are great co-parents. I love being a mom and two additional pregnancies two years apart kept my focus on our children, off myself. We did pregnancy and parenting well, just had a very emotionally platonic marriage. When I sat sobbing in the bathtub confessing to my husband that I was in love with my best friend Ssandy, he laughed and asked what took me so long. We always had gay couples as friends so there was not classic homophobic reaction. Our divorce took 3 months—in fact we didn’t call it divorce to the kids for a long time as divorce has such negative connotations. We wanted divorce to be a portal, not a way of life.
We co-parent successfully with their dad and his fiancé. The kids go to their home two weekends a month and we alternate holidays. We gather together for school plays, concerts, birthdays. . . .
The children don’t remember life before “Auntie Sandy” now “Mummy”—as she has always been in their lives. It was an organic and natural transition. Their dad is great about supporting her parenting 100%. She and i didn’t want her to be a step mom and she’s not. Their dad knows she is absolutely committed to our kids and loves them deeply. Three parents to love you—a win-win for the kids.
Our foster son was my student and a wonderful young man. We debated adding him to our family for over a year. Finally, we went to the kids and had a family meeting. Our eldest son convinced us completely sharing that he knew it was right and that we should be his “forever family”. I tell our eldest biological son, who is preparing for his bar mitzvah, that “someday it will hit you and you’ll understand how powerfully life changing and beautiful it was that you reached into your humanity, spoke your truth about how our family should widen its embrace, and helped us make a life altering decision for someone so deserving of a strong family’s beautiful love, acceptance and support.” I well up with pride and admiration when I think about his words that day. They changed the course of all of our lives.
3. What has been the most challenging thing you’ve faced as a parent? How did you handle it?
The most challenging part of parenting four wonderfully unique, verbal children is that they are wonderfully unique verbal children. Each has a different temperament, interests, communication style. Together they are strong, fascinating, supportive of one another and loving. They are also capable of endless bickering. Our children are verbal pit bulls. We taught them young to label the behavior and not the person, so once going they’ll label us into parental insanity. “She’s being bossy.” “He’s intentionally annoying me.” “He’s using chemical warfare on me by refusing to wear his shoes in the car.” We traded in our minivan for one with a set of captain’s seats just to give a sense of distance and to stop the “she touched me” nuttiness. Sandy and I laugh regularly and will often chime in with off the wall contributions to the argument. “You’re wearing my underwear . . .”
4. You are co-parenting with your children’s biological father. What are some of the benefits and challenges of this structure?
Our children get the benefit of multiple perspectives, interests and activities. We share a similar value system and common parenting philosophy. We make major decisions together on speaker phone and back one another up 100%. They talk several times a week. Their dad’s good about understanding that there are two perspectives—adult and child. He checks in with both of us to complete the picture. Every once in a while he forgets to ask for the “rest of the story” and then has to back peddle a bit. The latest example is a few months old. Our eldest convinced his dad that a text message plan for his very limited cell phone would be great. He sold his dad on being able to text him. A typical teen, he neglected to mention that it was unlimited text messaging (which no child needs), that he already has 10 cents a text message for emergencies, and that we already said “no” as he would likely get his cell phone taken by a teacher as texting is a huge middle school temptation and problem. Once we caught on, the three of us talked about it and then talked to our son about triangulating his parents the kids are clear that we will always back one another up.
Another plus is that it’s important for every couple to have some time to re-connect. Our children going to their dad’s house every other weekend gives us that time together and some one on one time with our foster son. The down side is the gas and travel time. We meet in the middle- each driving 72 miles down then 72 miles back on friday and again on sunday. Thank goodness for the car VCR. We don’t watch tv during the week so the long car rides are a real treat! The most significant challenge has been their dad falling in love with a great lady. We really like her. The kids were used to having their dad to themselves on the weekend so feelings got a little raw and jealousy began to creep in. We explained that their dad has a right to partner and share his life with someone wonderful—all agree she is—and that the kids need to realize that it is not their place to demand that he be alone. They are now over it and are overjoyed they are engaged.
5. How have your children dealt with having a “non-traditional” family? Have they experienced any negative reactions at school or elsewhere? Any particularly positive ones? What was your response?
Every child is unique and we have four. Our oldest is about the enter high school where having anything a bit off the “norm” is very cool. Our middle schooler is out about his family at school, but guarded. Middle schoolers do not always handle “difference” well. A middle school teacher myself, I did a lot of work to surround our him with key school personnel who not only know/support our family, but are also trained by Safe Schools Coalition. They reflect back to our son positives about our family and maintain safe, respectful classrooms. He has fantastic teachers who “get it”.
Our two youngest are in elementary school. Kids are funny. Both Sandy and I volunteer in their classrooms and simple math tells the kids 1 mommy + 1 mummy = 2 moms. When kids inquire, our children simply answer matter-of-factly, “yep, we have two moms”. When Kyle was in 1st grade I was in the classroom volunteering and a little girl confronted Kyle stating “You can’t have two moms.” I stood back with the teacher and watched.
“Well I do,” Kyle responded. The little girl got louder and louder , “That’s impossible, you can’t have two moms!” Kyle replied, “It is possible and I do.” She wouldn’t have it. Finally, I gently asked “What is impossible about it?” She went on to explain that “a baby can only grow in one mommies’ tummy at a time.” “Ah, you are right” I agreed, “and whose tummy did you grow in?” “My mom’s.” “Who else is in your family?” “My dad and my brother and my grandma. . . .” “So while you were growing in your mom’s tummy, what was your daddy and the rest of your family doing? “They were getting ready for me, picking out my name, painting my room. . . .” “That’s just like Kyle. He grew in my tummy, but he grew in his mummy’s heart and dreams as she got ready for him—just like your dad did”. She turned to Kyle and explained to him that she had determined that it was possible for him to have two mommies and that was that. Children have to be taught that difference is wonderful and that every family is unique and special.
Our daughter’s kindergarten family unit rendered LGBT families invisible despite the fact that gay foster parenting and adoption is legal in WA. Therefore the state is creating our families and defining them as such. We asked for a bias and fairness review of the unit, provided mounds of resources and teacher materials that acknowledged ALL families, loaned our LGBT children’s book collection, met with lots of school district officials, tapped the boundless resources and support of the Safe Schools Coalition, Human Rights Campaign Family Project, Outspoken Families, Two Lives Publishers, and so many more, organized our community, and when ready went before our historically LGBT-hostile school board and achieved all our goals—inclusive library books, Safe Schools Coalition Training (Beth Reis and Kerri Kessler) for teachers, counselors, administrators, and nurses, district support for GSAs, school computer access to LGBTQ support sites, a non-discrimination policy for students and teachers (LGBT teachers are now safe to be authentic in their classrooms), and a kindergarten unit that honors all families. It took time and a lot of work, but we did it and so can other families.
It was especially important to us to have our children be a part of and see our progress on the local scene and the positive momentum towards equality our community was making in Washington state despite of and during the Bush Administration. I remember our middle schooler staying awake all night with us hoping to hear that Kerry was president. When Bush was announced the victor he sadly asked if this meant that the majority didn’t like our family. He was old enough to both understand and misunderstand politics. I explained that my dad has voted Republican in the past as a fiscal conservative/social liberal who loves our family. He didn’t get it. We knew then that if our children were going to walk tall and feel strong over the next four years, we would have to share with them the positive and healing momentum of change. My folks, newly retired educators, took our middle schooler to Washington, DC where he met with Diane Feinstein, Norm Minetta and other WA and CA legislators. There he learned the power of his voice. All the kids participated as citizen of their democracy at the state level as we visited our legislators working to pass the 2661 Non-discrimination Bill and domestic partnership registry. 
Our senator Tracy Eide introduced 2661 on the floor of the Senate. Right before she took the microphone, she waved to our children who were in the gallery for the vote. She then pointed to her desk on which sat pictures of our children. Our families sharing their stories and truth changes hearts and votes. Our children had also met with one of the fence sitters and walked away with a yes vote. 
The Senate passed the bill 25-23. That crucial vote called me later and shared that she saw her grandchildren in our children and voted what she would want for her only family, child and grandchild. Most recently our two youngest children traveled with us to thank in person Washington Secretary of State Sam Reed for his support and oversight of the new Washington State domestic partner registry. (See picture.) Our children know the power of finding their voices and working for constructive change. It’s been very empowering. They feel so hopeful that marriage equality will come soon!
(Photos: With Washington Senator Eide; With Washington Secretary of State Reed.)
6. Why did you choose to be part of Family Pride’s outspoken program?
We must share our stories and our faces. Our visibility changes hearts, minds, school board policies, state laws and will someday hopefully soon repeal DOMA. Not everyone can be this public safely. But when those who can put their stories out there we dispel myths, we tell the truth about our families, we make the world a little safer for our children and for our lgbtq brothers and sisters who don’t live in the Seattles and San Francsicos of the world. Unless we define ourselves and families, others will define us. Unless we stand up and share with our local paper, school officials, state legislators that we are family, we remain invisible. For this reason we made a conscious choice to be a visible, outspoken family. Not because we crave attention, but because we can safely do the work.
7. How else, if at all, are you involved in your community or in LGBT activism/politics?
I sit on the harassment, intimidation and bullying oversight committee for my school district. I am an out teacher who empowers students and teachers to stand for respect and dignity. I monitor the situation in our childrens’ school district supporting other families and teachers with training and materials as they strive to make their schools welcoming and safe for every child, family and colleague. I volunteer with Safe Schools Coalition as a speaker and with help on their projects whenever i can. We call to speak to our legislators and visit them several times a year. But most important to me is we strive to live true and authentic everyday. Our daughter was the one who set our compass true on that when she was pre-k. After a long day at work I took her on a late night run to the grocery store. I inquired about repairing a ring Sandy had made for me. The gentleman behind the counter asked me who made the ring and not wanting to spend the energy. I said, “a friend”. Our daughter was appalled, “she my mommy and she’s your wife” she corrected me. I vowed from that moment on to be strong, true and authentic for my kids teaching them pride, not shame.
8. What’s your favorite: a) family activity; b) children’s book?
I think every family should have Jan Hindman’s A Very Touching Book…for Little People and for Big People
9. If you had a parenting motto, what would it be and why?
Our core values are to respect self and others, honor and affirm uniqueness and diversity, speak your truth, trust people’s best intentions, work for positive change, pursue your interests and talents. . . . I also remind them regularly that I am raising them to be self-sufficient grown adults and someone’s beloved spouse. For this reason they bus the table, put away their own laundry, take out the trash, trim their toe nails, and put down the toilet seat.
