Two recent articles indicate that far from destroying traditional relationships, same-sex couples, parents in particular, offer examples that others would be wise to follow.
Last Sunday’s New York Times Magazine discusses the phenomena of husband-wife couples who are trying to buck society and tradition and share parenting duties equally. It’s a fascinating (though perhaps not surprising) story about gender; why are we still thrashing this out in this day and age?
The author, Lisa Belkin, also asks whether lesbian moms fall into the same unequal division of labor. The little research that has been done indicates that we don’t. We also argue about different things when there is conflict. Dr. Nanette Gartrell, principal investigator of the National Longitudinal Lesbian Family Study (NLLFS), has found, for example, that when it comes to childcare, “straight parents get into the blame game about who is shirking responsibility,” she says, “lesbian moms bicker about not getting enough time with the kids.”
Belkin also quotes Harlyn Aizley, editor of Confessions of the Other Mother: Non-Biological Lesbian Moms Tell All
Gartrell has found, however, that most bio/non-bio lesbian couples work hard to return to equal balance:
75 percent of couples in Gartrell’s study considered themselves “co-parents.” The other 25 percent said they consider the birth mother the primary parent, but that the day-to-day tasks of child care are nonetheless equally shared.
Who does what, lesbian couples say, is instead determined by personality and logistics.
Furthermore, Esther D. Rothblum, a professor in the San Diego State University women’s studies department has done a comparative study of 342 lesbian, gay, and heterosexual couples that revealed:
It is only heterosexual mothers who do the lion’s share of housework for the family each week — between 11 and 20 hours for her survey respondents. Lesbian parents, gay parents and heterosexual fathers all look the same on paper when it comes to cooking and cleaning — they all report doing between 6 and 10 hours a week.
Add to this the NYT story earlier in the week citing research that indicated same-sex relationships in general were much more egalitarian than opposite-sex ones. Research has found, the article says, that:
In heterosexual couples, women did far more of the housework; men were more likely to have the financial responsibility; and men were more likely to initiate sex, while women were more likely to refuse it or to start a conversation about problems in the relationship. With same-sex couples, of course, none of these dichotomies were possible, and the partners tended to share the burdens far more equally.
While the gay and lesbian couples had about the same rate of conflict as the heterosexual ones, they appeared to have more relationship satisfaction, suggesting that the inequality of opposite-sex relationships can take a toll. . . .
The egalitarian nature of same-sex relationships appears to spill over into how those couples resolve conflict. . . . When same-sex couples argued, they tended to fight more fairly than heterosexual couples, making fewer verbal attacks and more of an effort to defuse the confrontation.
Controlling and hostile emotional tactics, like belligerence and domineering, were less common among gay couples. . . .
The findings suggest that heterosexual couples need to work harder to seek perspective. The ability to see the other person’s point of view appears to be more automatic in same-sex couples, but research shows that heterosexuals who can relate to their partner’s concerns and who are skilled at defusing arguments also have stronger relationships.
Does this mean that opposite-sex couples with same-sex partnered friends are more likely to have better relationships themselves? Maybe there’s a reason Massachusetts, the state with the longest history of marriage equality for same-sex couples, also has the lowest divorce rates in the nation, whereas Kentucky, Mississippi and Arkansas, whose citizens voted by large majorities for constitutional amendments to ban marriage of same-sex couples, had three of the highest divorce rates in 2003. (The trend seems to have continued in 2004 and 2005.)
Not that same-sex couples are perfect; still, we seem to have no more weaknesses than our opposite-sex peers (OK, simultaneous PMS might count), and perhaps, if the above research is right, maybe a few more strengths.