The start of the school year should be a time of new learning and new opportunities. For LGBTQ parents, however, it may also bring concerns about how welcoming and inclusive our children’s schools will be. I advise following these ABCs.
Affirm
Before our children even start school, we can build their self-understanding and self-confidence by affirming their own identities, modeling good interpersonal behaviors, and conveying core lessons about values, ethics, and relating to others. We can bolster their resilience by encouraging them to connect with their feelings, respond constructively to adversity, and tell us when something goes wrong.
Part of affirmation, too, means explaining to our children, in age-appropriate ways, how they and their family came to be. We can ensure they see books and media that offer positive representation of people and families who share their identities, as well as those that reflect a variety of others. They will then have tools to assess and interpret what they may encounter elsewhere, even if that differs.
Affirmation also means listening. We should try not to let the fears we may have as parents (or had as children) create worries in our children. Instead, we should ask them how they feel about school, affirm those feelings as valid, and respond accordingly.
If our children do have concerns, we may not be able to assuage them all, but we should trust in their resilience and their growing ability to find solutions on their own. At the same time, we can offer insights from our experiences, provide comfort and guidance as needed, convey that home is a safe and loving space, and step in for problems that do require adult intervention.
Be Involved
For many LGBTQ parents, school involvement starts with contacting our kids’ teachers and/or school administrators before the start of the year to introduce ourselves, share our parental titles, and encourage inclusion. That can be helpful, especially when kids are young and/or starting at a new school. It’s not the answer for every family at every time, however. Sometimes we may feel it unduly stresses our differences; we may opt for a quieter visibility, such as simply showing up for Parent’s Night and introducing ourselves as our kids’ parents. As our children grow older, too, they may prefer to come out about their family in their own time and way. We should always be guided by what our children are experiencing and feeling, no matter which path we choose.
Beyond the start of the year, kids from all types of families can benefit from parental involvement in their schools—and for LGBTQ parents, our presence can contribute to important visibility (though again, be sensitive to what your children want here). We can join the PTA or other parent groups, visit our kids’ classrooms as guest readers, chaperone field trips, or fundraise for a team or event. Right now, too, when anti-LGBTQ policies are being pushed forward in many school districts, participating in school board meetings can be critical.
Nevertheless, work schedules or other important obligations sometimes mean that we cannot be as active as we’d like. We shouldn’t feel guilty—but we should ask ourselves if there are alternate ways to help. Can’t attend a meeting? Make phone calls or send e-mails to remind others about it. Help another parent prepare their remarks for a school board meeting; share useful resources online. And no matter what, vote, even in purely local elections.
Connect
You may be one of many LGBTQ-headed families at your kids’ school, or the only one. No matter what, you are not alone. Do an online search for “LGBTQ parent groups in [your state]” to see if there is one near you or join one of the many queer parenting communities on social media. Follow and engage with national organizations like Family Equality (for LGBTQ parents) and COLAGE (for people with LGBTQ parents). You’ll find advice and support—and even if the people you meet don’t have all the answers, they can provide assurance that you’re not the only one asking the questions.
In engaging with non-LGBTQ parents at my son’s schools, I always sought to focus on our commonalities, not our differences, assuming the other parents had many of the same questions and concerns I did about the school year and parenting in general. Sometimes bridges were built because we commiserated over the scheduling of band practice.
Remember, too, that non-LGBTQ families outside the one-mom-one-dad paradigm may have similar concerns about fitting in and representation. And both LGBTQ and non-LGBTQ families whose other intersecting identities differ from the majority in a community may worry about a school’s response to those aspects of their lives. We may find sympathetic ears and mutual allyship in many places.
Those connections may not only provide support, but also lead to companions and allies for creating change, such as improving basic policies around safety and respect, updating school forms, stocking (or sustaining) LGBTQ-inclusive books, incorporating LGBTQ history into the curricula, and more. If you feel moved to take action, evaluate what efforts may already be underway, what will likely have the biggest impact on students, and what feels most possible in your location. Those may not all coincide, so prioritize; sometimes you’ll want to start small, while at other times, you’ll want to address a critical immediate need, such as a piece of anti-LGBTQ policy or legislation.
We can never predict exactly what the school year may bring; in the current era, it may feel particularly daunting. With a little forethought and preparation, however, we can give it the best odds of being a joyous time for our children to learn, socialize, and grow.
For more resources, see my “Back-to-School Resources for LGBTQ Parents” on the Raising LGBTQ Families page.