Five Principles to Start the School Year

(Originally published in Bay Windows, September 11, 2008.)

It’s back-to-school time, when we LGBT parents face the dual challenges of getting our children in an academic frame of mind and readying all of us to face a new batch of questions about our families. My own son is about to start kindergarten, and I’m trying to follow these five basic principles to create the best possible school environment for him:

Be out: It’s become a cliché, but it’s true. Visibility does matter, not only to make others aware of the diversity in their midst, but also to show our children that being LGBT, or from an LGBT family, is nothing to hide. This doesn’t mean I’m going to wear my “Proud Lesbian Mom” t-shirt to every PTA meeting (with my luck it would be in the laundry that night, anyway), but neither am I going to play “avoid the pronoun” when speaking with other parents.

Be proactive, not pesky: I will let my son’s teachers know he has two moms, if only to get a sense of how they would handle curious or negative comments from other students about LGBT families. The danger, though, is coming across as one of those over-privileged moms demanding special treatment for her child and more than our fair share of the teachers’ limited time. It’s a fine balance, telling the teachers our legitimate concerns without sounding self-centered, defensive, or preachy. For all I know, too, one or more of his teachers is LGBT herself, has LGBT parents, or is simply committed to LGBT inclusion and doesn’t need a lecture from me. I want our first conversation to be the start of an ongoing discussion, so I will begin with a minimum of information and work my way up from there as necessary. If my son experienced harassment or bullying, of course, I’d take a more forceful approach, but if the other tactics here work well, it won’t come to that.

Find opportunities to educate: Last April, I was standing on the school playground with some other parents who were complaining about the stress of their tax forms. “You should try mine,” I said, and explained how my partner and I had to do a dummy federal form as “married” in order to complete our Massachusetts form, and then each complete separate federal forms as “single.” They were surprised, not realizing that state marriage equality is only one part of the picture. Educating other parents and teachers doesn’t always have to mean planning big diversity training sessions.

Make allies: We can’t create change alone. The easiest way to make allies is to be involved in the school community, whether that means volunteering in the classroom, chaperoning field trips, or selling brownies at the bake sale. There’s no guarantee that people won’t still run away when they find out there’s an LGBT parent in their midst—but every time we show that we are valuable members of the community, we help build acceptance. Yes, this means exerting ourselves more than if we were from traditional families, but at least it’s easier than our extra tax forms. We can also look to other non-traditional families, such as single-parent households and adoptive or multiracial families. We should not, however, assume that everyone from a non-traditional family will be supportive of LGBT inclusion, or vice versa, but we can use the concept of family diversity as a piece of common ground.

Empower our children: One day after preschool, my son was playing in the sandbox with a boy he had just met. The boy asked, “What’s your dad’s name?” A bell in my head sounded a warning, and I almost launched into an explanation. I kept silent, though, wanting him to learn how to handle such situations himself. He paused for a second to think. “Well, that’s Mommy,” he explained, gesturing to me. “And the other one’s Momma, but she’s at work now.” The other boy picked up a toy from the sand. “This truck can go faster than the boat,” he said, unphased.

Informing our children’s teachers of our family structure or bringing in lists of LGBT-inclusive books and videos to the library are both good things, but as my spouse likes to say, “You can’t Nerf the world.” Someday our son is going to have a substitute teacher or a gym teacher I haven’t yet met, and the person may say something erroneous but innocent like “You can practice this with your dad at home.” Someday, another student will say “That’s so gay” in front of him, and I won’t be there. If we’ve taught our son to be confident in himself and his family, however, there is less chance he will take these comments as blows to his ego, and more chance he will take appropriate action himself. That’s a good lesson for life no matter what the issue.

I also want to make sure as he grows older that he feels in control of what others know about his family. I hope he never feels he has to hide the fact that he has two moms, but it will ultimately be his choice to come out about us to his peers when and how he chooses.

The school years are just beginning for our son and for us as parents. It can sometimes feel like we’re strangers navigating Central Boston without a map. Still, we chose to take this trip, and I can’t wait to see the sights along the way. I know I’m in good company.