I’ve written and vlogged already this week in honor of today’s National Coming Out Day. (Maybe it’s my Jewish heritage that makes me want to extend fun holidays across an entire week.) I think it’s clear that I generally think visibility is a good thing.
In all the hoopla today over the benefits of coming out, however, let us not forget those who must make the tough decisions to stay closeted. Richard Smith at Open Salon wrote this week about the dilemma of prospective lesbian and gay parents trying to adopt from countries that do not permit them to do so. Do they lie and risk accusations of fraud that could put the adoptions at risk, or do they follow their hearts and the knowledge that they will be good parents regardless of sexuality? (Thanks, Elisa.)
There are lesbian and gay parents in the military who must hide their sexuality or risk losing their livelihood (an especially risky proposition given the current economic crisis and job market).
There are the 86% of LGBT students who have experienced harassment at school, according to a new report out from GLSEN (the Gay, Lesbian and Straight Education Network). The survey of 6,209 middle and high school students found:
- 86.2% of LGBT students reported being verbally harassed, 44.1% reported being physically harassed and 22.1% reported being physically assaulted at school in the past year because of their sexual orientation.
- More than half (60.8%) of students reported that they felt unsafe in school because of their sexual orientation, and more than a third (38.4%) felt unsafe because of their gender expression.
It’s all well and good to talk about visibility, but what if there’s a good chance you’ll get beat up for it?
It is important for those of us who can safely be out to do so, increasing LGBT visibility for those who must still remain closeted. At the same time, coming out is not a matter of either/or. Until we gain full acceptance around the world, there will always be moments that make us stop and wonder whether to hide. Even I, who am usually out to all and sundry, am careful when in public with friends who are in the military.
When was the last time you had to hide your sexual orientation or gender identity? When was the last time you deliberately came out? How, if at all, has becoming a parent (or thinking about becoming a parent) changed how out you are?
It’s like you said not long ago – being a parent means being out. Our daughter yells our names across public spaces all the time. She announces having two moms with pride; sort of a “look what I’ve got that you don’t have” kind of thing. She has no idea anybody might think it a bad thing. Not yet. Hopefully, not ever. Or at least not for a long time.
But my wife teaches ESL to new immigrants, most of them coming from cultures and backgrounds where we’re considered abomination at the very least. So she can’t be out there. I’m out, except when I encounter the odd cab driver at the end of the day, coming home, and too tired to deal with the incomprehension or possible hostility. It’s always a choice, and always requires emotional energy. I profoundly hope that the emotional energy it will require for our daughter will be much less than it is for us. I have great hope that it will be so.