North Carolina Bans All Bathrooms

The North Carolina legislature has responded to the backlash from its recent anti-LGBTQ law by banning all bathrooms throughout the state.

The original law passed last week requires schools and public agencies to limit use of multiple occupancy bathrooms to people based on their biological sex, effectively ensuring that trans men like James Parker Sheffield must use ladies’ rooms. It also replaces local non-discrimination ordinances with the state’s less inclusive ones. The law has provoked a legal suit, bans on travel to North Carolina by Seattle and New York State, and a boycott by “dozens” of customers of the High Point furniture market, “the largest economic event in the State of North Carolina.”

Today, State Senator P. Freehley (R) said the legislature has realized it is unfair to restrict restroom access for only one part of the population. In a hastily convened special session, both houses of the General Assembly then passed a bill banning all bathrooms in the state, including, but not limited to, “facilities with flush toilets, pit toilets (outhouses), and portable toilets.” Gov. Pat McCrory (R) quickly signed it.

A spokesperson for the governor, Dee Faccate, said, “In the spirit of fairness, North Carolinians can travel to any one of our four neighboring states when they feel the urge. They may also make use of the privacy and solitude offered in the many pine forests that our state is known for.”

State Rep. Nomar Flushing (R), who introduced the bill in the House, added, “We hope this new law will remove a reason for divisiveness and bring harmony to the state. We advise, however, that people drink no more than one bottle of Cheerwine at a time from now on.”

For more hard-hitting Mombian news from past April Fool’s, see: