President Donald Trump today announced that he would be appointing LGBT people to key positions in his administration.
In what is widely seen as an attempt to appease the LGBT community after removing workplace protections for LGBT workers employed by federal contractors, President Trump said he would make the following appointments:
- Liz Bean, a civil engineer who lives with her wife in San Francisco, will become Assistant Deputy Administrator of the Federal Emergency Management Administration, overseeing FEMA’s responsibilities under the National Dam Safety Program Act. “She has tremendous experience with dykes,” the President explained.
- Sam Twomey, an attorney who identifies as bisexual, will be the Special Advisor on Bipartisan Affairs. “This just makes sense, okay?” the President told the press corp.
- Ray N. Bow, a long-time gay community leader, will become a U.N. Delegate. “A dele-GAY-t,” the President stressed. “He’ll be terrific, really terrific.”
- Jenn Durr, a transgender advocate, will become Assistant Deputy Administrator at the Department of Transportation. “Her trans expertise is the best,” said the President. “Together, we’ll make America great again.”
When LGBT organizations questioned whether any of these people actually existed, a spokesperson for the President said, “Look, a squirrel!” and fled the briefing room.
For more hard-hitting Mombian news from past April Fool’s, see:
- North Carolina Bans All Bathrooms
- Indiana Bans Cake in Wake of Religious Freedom Bill
- Lesbian Moms Raise Child Entirely on Hummus and Granola
- DARPA Announces Next-Generation Gaydar System
- Lesbian Mom Running for President
- New Social App Helps Lesbians Find Sperm Donors
- New Research Shows Children of LGBT Parents More Likely to Win Nobel Prizes
- Utah Mandates All Children to Be Raised by LGBT People
- “Gay Positioning System” Navigates Roads and Rights
