Last month, Freddy McConnell, a transgender man, lost a lawsuit in the U.K. to be legally named his child’s father. Because he gave birth, the judge said, his parental status is that of “mother.” The decision is wrong on many levels—and the case has made me think about the multifaceted interplay of parental identities and gender.
The judge, the Rt. Hon. Sir Andrew McFarlane, wrote, “It is now medically and legally possible for an individual, whose gender is recognised in law as male, to become pregnant and give birth to their child.” That’s true. He then continued, however, “Whilst that person’s gender is ‘male’, their parental status, which derives from their biological role in giving birth, is that of ‘mother.’”
McFarlane doubles down and clarifies, “The status of being a ‘mother’ arises from the role that a person has undertaken in the biological process of conception, pregnancy and birth.”
The ruling, which McConnell intends to appeal, could have far-reaching effects for both transgender and cisgender people alike. If trans people cannot legally use terminology (like “father”) aligned with their identified gender, what else might they not be allowed to do under the law? And if motherhood equals giving birth, all non-biological, non-gestational, and adoptive mothers, and those who use surrogates, might find their legal parenthood in jeopardy. Additionally, McFarlane notes there is uncertainty about whether the regulations governing assisted insemination include males as well as females. He leaves it for others to determine—but that could endanger trans men’s access to fertility treatment in the U.K.
As we react to the ruling, however, we should be careful not to think that the law should only recognize trans men as fathers and trans women as mothers. We queer parents, cisgender and transgender, have a wide variety of parental identities—and our gender identities and parental identities don’t always match in expected ways, as numerous examples will show. Denise Brogan-Kator, chief policy officer for Family Equality, wrote at OptionB that when she began to transition, she wanted her children to know she “was not trying to replace their mother.” They therefore chose to keep calling her “Dad” or “Daddy.” Her grandchildren, however, call her “Gram.” For trans woman and advocate Brynn Tannehill and her oldest daughter, neither “Mom” nor “Dad” felt right, so they settled on the portmanteau “Maddy,” Tannehill explained in a USA Today essay.
And in Queer Rock Love: A Family Memoir, Paige Schilt noted that her masculine, trans-identified partner goes by “Mommy” because “in her moments of childhood need, she had decided that a Mommy was the strongest thing she could be.”
In her essay “Lesbian Dad,” Polly Pagenhart, communications and policy director for Our Family Coalition, explained that calling female parents “mothers,” and male parents “fathers” doesn’t work if “one’s gender itself lies somewhere betwixt and between the poles, as mine does.” Pagenhart’s children call them “Baba.” (In Confessions of the Other Mother: Nonbiological Lesbian Moms Tell All!.)
Even for cisgender queer parents, parental identities and gender can mix and mingle. Amie Klempnauer Miller wrote in She Looks Just Like You: A Memoir of (Nonbiological Lesbian) Motherhood, that she is “[not] even remotely butch,” but during her partner’s pregnancy, “My inner guy is coming out of the closet. I feel urgently, irrationally protective of Jane…. I don’t feel like I somehow need to mimic the paternal role, but yet it seems to be finding and claiming me.”
Conversely, cisgender gay dad Biff Chaplow, a self-described “stay-at-home-gay-parent,” wrote at his blog, biffandi.com, “I’ve often struggled with the uncomfortable feeling I get when I have to say I am the children’s dad, because I feel more like their mom…. For now, my kids call me Dada and I am okay with that…. But make no mistake, I may not be a woman, but I am a mom.”
Chaplow’s husband, Trystan Reese, director of family formation at Family Equality and a trans man whose kids call him “Dad,” recently advised other trans parents, “It will take time for [your kids] to call you by a new honorific, if you want them to change from ‘dad’ to ‘mom’ or something else entirely. (And if you don’t want them to change what they call you, that’s okay too!)” (familyequality.org).
That personal choice is the key point—and the above are only a few examples of the varied interplay of parental identities and gender across the LGBTQ spectrum. (For more parental names used by LGBTQ parents, see the spreadsheet I’ve been compiling for years.)
Law professor and gay dad Carlos Ball has suggested that we think of “mother” and “father” as “verbs rather than as nouns” and “focus on what it means to mother and to father a child,” instead of on the gender of the parent. That idea has merit (though we should also expand the traditional definition of “to father a child” beyond just a procreative act). Still, our kids need to call us something other than “Hey!” For most of us, that means an honorific that reflects our parental identity—which may or may not align in traditional ways with our gender identity.
As for the law, I think the only recognition needed is that of “parent.” The gender-neutral “voluntary acknowledgement of parentage” forms that a few U.S. states have adopted are a step in that direction.
I also propose that school, childcare, and healthcare forms, especially for young children, include space for parents to indicate what their children call them (as well as for pronouns). That way, when teachers, staff, or healthcare professionals are interacting with a child about their parents, they can all communicate more clearly. That will benefit not only LGBTQ families, but also others who may use parental titles other than “mom” and “dad” for cultural reasons.
Whatever our kids call us, though, we should remember that the title is a lifetime promise from us to them—and wear it with pride, no matter what the law says.