Actor Anne Heche has died at age 53 after injuries from a car crash. She was also a mother, and so we queer parents mourn one of our own.
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Yes, she had her two children while in relationships with men, Coley Laffoon and James Tupper—but let’s remember that the majority of LGBTQ adults identify as bisexual and among the millions of bisexual parents, most are in different-sex relationships. Are they still queer parents? Absolutely. And while ABC News reported in 2001, “Heche says she does not label herself straight, gay or bisexual,” her assertion that ‘I would never limit myself to saying I would be with a man or a woman,'” makes it easy to see her as falling under the big queer umbrella.
Heche famously dated Ellen DeGeneres from 1997 to 2000, becoming one of the first out same-sex couples in Hollywood, and has said her career suffered because of bias against her being in a same-sex relationship. Heche reflected more recently, “I was a part of a revolution that created social change, and I could not have done that without falling in love with [Ellen].” She called it “a beautiful part of my life and one that I wear with honor,” SheKnows reported. Heche was rumored this year to be in a relationship with costume designer Ami Goodheart.
Heche seems to have had cocaine in her system at the time of her fatal crash, reports the Los Angeles Times. Another woman’s home and possessions were destroyed when her car ran into it. (There is a GoFund Me set up to help her.) Heche was not a perfect role model and I cannot in any way condone her driving under the influence. Yet she and DeGeneres offered representation to many of us queer women at a time when there was much less than today. And in the 2000 HBO film about queer women’s lives, If These Walls Could Talk 2, Heche directed a segment about a two-woman couple starting a family together, starring DeGeneres and Sharon Stone, a rare look at the subject in a mainstream channel. Later, Heche was also open about her childhood abuse and lifelong mental health challenges, perhaps offering to others a sense of representation and destigmatization in that area as well.
A statement from her family and friends upon her death seems to acknowledge her connection to the queer community, noting, “More than her extraordinary talent, she saw spreading kindness and joy as her life’s work—especially moving the needle for acceptance of who you love.”
For further details of Heche’s life, I refer you to Riese’s obituary of her at Autostraddle. My heart goes out to all who knew Heche, especially her sons, ages 13 and 20.