If you read only one book on how to parent, make it S. Bear Bergman’s brilliant new Special Topics in Being a Parent: A Queer and Tender Guide to Things I’ve Learned About Parenting, Mostly the Hard Way. It will be a rare person of any identity who doesn’t gain something useful from the wise, judgment-free, gently humorous, and delightfully illustrated volume.
In this new volume from Arsenal Pulp Press (Bookshop; Amazon), author, activist, and educator Bergman offers his advice on everything from whether one is ready to have a child, to dealing with children’s strong opinions about food, to helping kids grow up with a sense of social justice, and much more. The book is informed by Bergman’s own identity as a married, White, Jewish, trans dad, but incorporates insights from others with different identities, and recognizes that each person’s identities may position them differently with respect to the topics addressed and the solutions that work for them.
Sketches by Saul Freedman-Lawson illustrate the concepts and ideas Bergman covers, but also extend them by offering images of people across a wide range of identities, queer and otherwise, and occasionally having them model useful dialog.
There are practical tips here (e.g., ways of transitioning your kid(s) from one activity to another) alongside useful general principles (e.g., the difference between incentivizing and bribing), plus discussions of wider concepts like how to talk about diversity and difference and to convey your key values to your children.
Some chapters cover tough topics such as structural oppression and the importance of allyship; bullying, harassment, and violence; and children’s safety and security. These sections are mostly text, with the illustrations scaled back to respect the seriousness of the topics.
And yes, there is a chapter on gender roles, gender expectations, and heteronormativity. It’s as superb as one might imagine from someone who teaches this for a living, including not only useful advice on expected topics like gender-inclusive language, but also reminders about nuances that are often overlooked, such as: “Do gender neutral without the femmephobia.”
The book isn’t just about caring for our children, though: it’s also about caring for and being forgiving to ourselves so that we can best accomplish the former. Throughout, the book recognizes that no parent is perfect and no one can fully prepare for the adventure and exhaustion that is parenthood. As Bergman writes in the introduction, “More effective preparation for parenting would have been going to Grand Central Terminal with an heirloom vase in one hand and trying to apply shoes to an octopus while a team of middle schoolers threw tennis balls at my head and a countdown clock screamed the time at me every five seconds.” He’s not wrong—but as daunting as that sounds, the book is in fact full of hope, joy, with Bergman’s calming, experienced presence offering assurance that you and your children will make it through the chaos and uncertainty.
The illustrated nature of the book, and Bergman’s skill as a writer and storyteller, make this a highly readable volume even as it packs a powerful impact. Recommend or gift this book to every parent and prospective parent you know, regardless of their identity or their children’s ages—and make sure to read it yourself. You’ve be a better parent—and a better human. Highly, highly recommended.
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