An old New Yorker cartoon recirculates every year at this time, in which a child with two moms explains to the teacher where to put the apostrophe in “Mothers’ Day.” But really, queer moms exist in the singular and the plural. Punctuation of the holiday, like so much else about queer parenthood, has many right answers.
A hefty proportion of queer mothers may choose the singular “Mother’s Day”: 44% of bisexual women parents are single mothers and 40% of lesbian parents are single mothers, per UCLA’s Williams Institute. And among LBQ cisgender women parents, 65% are in a relationship with a different-gender, cisgender person. Trans mothers, too, may or may not be partnered with another person who identifies as a mother. Add to these the uncounted number of queer families who may simply choose to celebrate one parent on Mother’s Day and another on another day, whether because of the person’s gender, parental title, or a simple desire to spread out the celebrations.
Other queer-mom families may have two (or more) mothers they wish to celebrate during the holiday in May, making the plural possessive, Mothers’ Day, more appropriate.
And yes, the founder of the holiday, Anna Jarvis, specified that it should use the singular possessive, since she wanted each person to honor their individual mother—but that was in the early 20th century, long before any public idea of families with more than one mom. Let’s not be bound to that usage.
We could of course go the route of Veterans Day and not use an apostrophe at all. The VA tells us that it uses this form “because it is not a day that ‘belongs’ to veterans, it is a day for honoring all veterans.” But again, I think one could use the day to honor all mothers or individual ones, to whom it could be said to belong. Each usage has a different emphasis, but is not a matter of right and wrong.
A number of years ago, I flippantly suggested that “Motherz Day” might be the way to go, bringing a little edgy coolness to the occasion. I’m still fond of the idea, although I don’t think it’s really going to catch on. Still, who’s to say no?
I also like the idea of using all the variations, similar to how people who use more than one set of pronouns (e.g., she/they) may use different ones either interchangeably or at different times.
There’s really no one “right” answer here. There is also no one right path to parenthood, type of family, or way of raising children. There are many genders of parents and many parental names; all are right if they resonate for you. And there are many ways to celebrate our families.
I’ve long felt that the entire time between Mother’s Day and Father’s Day, in fact, forms a sort of “parental holiday season” that should be used to revel in the wide diversity of families, even if we also use those holidays to honor particular members of our own.
This “spirit of the season” is one of the reasons I created the annual LGBTQ Families Day to be held on the first weekday of June, which falls on June 1 this year. Not only is it the start of Pride Month, but it sits roughly midway between Mother’s Day and Father’s Day—honoring both, but reminding us that not all families fit neatly into those two days. I hope you’ll post something on social media in celebration and support of our families on that day, such as a family photo, a picture of an inclusive kids’ book that you like, a message of affirmation, or simply one of the event graphics. Or celebrate the day in your community or home in whatever way feels right for you.
This weekend’s holiday, though, is Mothers Day, so here’s to all who claim this day as their own, no matter how you write it. If it feels right to you, it’s yours. However and whomever you are honoring, or if you choose not to mark the occasion for reasons of self-care, may your day be filled with joy and love.