This extraordinary book is not just a thorough, practical guide for Christian parents about how to support and affirm transgender and nonbinary children, although it is that. It is also not just a guide for how Christian churches, leaders, and communities can create welcoming congregations, although it is that. Overarching both of these components is a transformational exploration of why supporting these young people lies at the heart of what it means to be a Christian and to make the body of Christ present in our world.
Author Jamie Bruesehoff draws on her own experience as the mother of a now-16-year-old transgender daughter, an LGBTQ advocate, a queer woman, a Christian with two degrees in religion, and the wife of a pastor in the Evangelical Lutheran Church in America. She shares much of her family’s own journey (with her daughter Rebekah’s explicit permission), but this is not predominantly a memoir. It is a guidebook, a practical resource, and a call to action.
There is plenty here for those who need “Gender Identity and Expression 101” lessons—in that, this book not so different from several other memoirs and guides by and for parents of trans children today. Where the book really shines, however, is in connecting support of trans and gender-diverse children to Christian beliefs. “We are a resurrection people. As Christians, we understand death and new life,” she writes. “Our children do not die when they transition. They are finally able to live.” She later expands on the theological underpinnings, writing:
If we know transgender and gender-diverse humans exist (and we know they do throughout history and around the world) and that they were made in God’s own image, then we know that God’s image is gender-diverse…. If God is gender-diverse, there are parts of God we are missing out on if there are not gender-diverse people in our midst. Transgender and gender-expansive people teach us more about the God who created all of us and give us a fuller understanding of our faith.
Supporting trans and nonbinary people is therefore not simply a matter of charity for the less fortunate, she explains; rather, by being inclusive of them, we “[open] ourselves to understand God better and make more real and more present the kingdom of God here on earth.” It’s a fundamental shift in thinking, not only to say that trans and gender-diverse people should be welcome in church, but to assert that they are necessary: “The body of Christ is not fully present without our transgender and gender-expansive siblings,” she writes.
Bruesehoff digs further into the Biblical passages that have been used against trans and nonbinary people, showing how they can be reread, and highlights others that support a more inclusive outlook. I won’t repeat her arguments here, except to say that she clearly knows her material and her theology. (As a Jew, I’ll add that Jewish families and clergy may find some of Bruesehoff’s arguments compelling, too, at least in relation to the parts of the Bible we share; her references to the New Testament and Jesus may be less relevant to us, but still of interest in a comparative way.)
The book also delves into practical advice for parents about the social, legal, and medical transitioning they may navigate with their child, at home, school, church, and elsewhere. Bruesehoff follows all legitimate health care practitioners in stressing that gender-affirming hormones and surgeries are not for young children and must be treated with care and caution. She also explores how trans and nonbinary children and their families can find supportive community and connection. Throughout, she is a gentle guide, recognizing that no one is going to be perfect as they attempt to understand and support a trans or gender-diverse loved one.
Bruesehoff’s advice is exceptionally nuanced and insightful, for example, noting that although parents may feel grief and sadness about their child’s transition, some trans people have “expressed pain and frustration around the idea that their parents had to grieve them when they were still alive, in fact, when they were more alive than ever.” Both parts may be true, Bruesehoff acknowledges, but at the same time, she emphasizes, “Nothing would devastate me more than my daughter thinking that being herself in the world brought us sorrow. We must be clear about this with our children and with the world.”
She also provides tools for those wanting to make change in their communities; one chapter looks at ways that faith leaders and community members can create more inclusive congregations; another looks at the work that needs to be done to dismantle wider systems of oppression so that we support LGBTQ youth in all their intersecting identities.
She is adamant, however, that while creating safe spaces in our homes and churches is necessary, it is far from enough. She also takes a hard look at the coordinated legislative attacks on trans young people today, and asserts that because people of faith have done the most harm, they are the most essential to repairing the damage. She urges people to organize and mobilize to fight anti-trans legislation, to speak out locally and at the state level, and to support local libraries and community organizations in serving trans and nonbinary youth. It’s more than a good idea, she says: “Advocacy is a part of who we are as Christians.”
Despite the theological explorations and community advice, Bruesehoff makes clear that a key goal of the book is still to help parents learn “how to raise children who are able to step into the fullness of who God created them to be every step of the way.” Being gender-inclusive opens up possibilities for us all, she writes, sharing how “My journey as a parent of a transgender child led me to more fully understanding who I am” as a bisexual woman married to a man and who uses she/they pronouns. And no one, LGBTQ or not, “truly fits into these tiny boxes” of the binary, she says. “We were each made in God’s image, and that image isn’t meant to be restricted or kept small.”
It’s an empowering vision.
Clear, learned, persuasive, and steeped in a deeply rooted faith, this book is for every Christian with a trans or nonbinary child; for those in congregations or communities with trans or nonbinary children; for faith leaders of all religions (who I’m guessing will find much to ponder here, either directly or comparatively); and for Christian policymakers, educators, healthcare professionals, and any others whose lives touch those of young people today. In an Epilogue, Bruesehoff’s daughter Rebekah, now 16 and a published author herself, writes, “My joy overflows when I think about what this book can spark,” and she urges readers to help make it happen.
Read. Do.
For other books by parents of trans children that explore the impact of their faith and faith communities on their family journeys, see A Girlhood: Letter to My Transgender Daughter (Catholic) and Transister: Raising Twins in a Gender-Bending World (Reform Judaism).
