Like most observers of a war that doesn’t directly involve them, I thought I was safe. The “Mommy Wars” pitting employed mothers against stay-at-homes, accusing the latter of betraying feminism, didn’t seem to apply to me. While I was indeed a stay-at-home mom, I thought that by doing so as a lesbian I was transforming the institution, and thus had a special protection against any claims of feminist sell-out.
Now today’s New York Times points out the opinion of playwright and City University of New York professor Sarah Schulman:
As a teacher, she said, she sees a lot of younger gay people, especially women adopting the heterosexual fantasy that even Barbie has distanced herself from — “that someday they will meet the right person and they will get married and they will have children.” She fears that lesbian mothers are embracing a “poverty model” and taking themselves out of the running to be the next George Sand or Emma Goldman.
Oh, please. Let’s stop the lesbian version of the Mommy Wars before it starts. A quick tour around the lesbian-mom blogosphere would show Schulman that many of us are creating our own types of family roles and relationships, not merely imitating a tired heterosexual stereotype. Furthermore, far from stifling our creative juices, motherhood gives many of us an inspirational jolt. One example of both points is the well-written essay collection Confessions of the Other Mother: Non-Biological Lesbian Mothers Tell All. Several of its contributors continue to delight and enlighten us with their blogs on lesbian parenting. Whether their work will be compared to Sands or Goldman is a matter for history to decide, but they are not “taking themselves out of the running.”
While Schulman may be lending credence to the media-hyped “Mommy Wars,” organizations like Moms Rising, the Motherhood Project, and the National Association of Mothers’ Centers (NAMC) are calling for a cease-fire and a refocus on issues that can really help moms, such as improved childcare and healthcare benefits, expanded after-school programs, and more flexible work schedules.
All good things. For me, though, a large part of the burden associated with being a mom stems from my unrecognized relationship to my partner. We pay extra taxes on the health insurance I receive from her employer. This means less for our son’s college-savings account, not to mention the everyday necessities. I cannot contribute to an IRA while staying at home, like women with employed husbands can. This means I may have to go back to work sooner in order to save up for retirement. And we’re among the lucky ones, with a court order stating that we’re both the legal parents of our child.
Despite their claims to be fighting for the rights of all mothers, there is little, if any, information in the above mothers’-rights sites about lesbian moms. Expanded childcare, healthcare, and family leave options are only good, however, if a mom is recognized as a mom and can partake of the options. It’s unfair, too, if some mothers are taxed on those benefits while others are not.
It seems to me, therefore, that there is an opportunity here for both lesbian and straight moms to join together to improve the lot of all—really all—mothers. Part of this will involve working towards parental and relationship recognition for lesbian moms. Part of it will involve addressing common needs.
How do we begin? Visit the above sites, get involved, be out, start a dialogue. I make no claims to brilliant solutions here, but I do know that women working together are a powerful force. Your comments and suggestions are welcome.
What a great post. I agree so much that I wish I’d written that myself!
I couldn’t agree more. I am a work at home mom who sends her kid to daycare, so I piss off both sides of the arguement . It’s such a waste of time and energy to engage in mommy-bashing and our community in particular has better things to do.
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I just had to add an emphasis on the “exceedingly astute” clipped (by the track back robot thingy?) above. I, as a chronically long-winded person, am so grateful for your incisive analysis. Its the maraschino cherry atop the daily sundae you serve up, heaping scoops culled from electronic and print media that will help us all, with heart and mind together, do our best work as parents, as change agents, and everything in between.
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Great blog that is refreshing. Well done. Quick follow up question: How did you get a court order stating you are both the legal parents? Kudos to you. Florida is so awfully backward but I appreciate your willingness to share your information.
Re: our court order: I donated an egg to my partner, which she carried, using anonymous donor sperm. Under then-current NJ law, she would have been the legal parent, not me. This seemed perverse to us, so we found a lawyer with experience in LGBT issues. (I forget where we finally found ours, but you can look through the directories here.
He looked at previous case law and wrote a brief, which he filed with the appropriate judge a few months before our due date. Although there were no clear precedents in our county, there had been a few cases like this in other jurisdictions around the country. We had to show up in court, but knew by then that it was mostly a formality–our lawyer had already been told that the state wouldn’t oppose our petition. Basically, the judge asked us if we knew we’d both be responsible for our child-to-be. We said yes, and he signed the order.
I believe that now, NJ and CA will allow both moms to be put on the birth certificate from day one, without an adoption, even if they don’t go the egg donation route. Check with your own lawyer before assuming this, however. I’m not sure of all the details.
I would imagine that this would be very difficult to do in Florida, but best of luck if you give it a try.
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