Continuing my Family Voices series with the next post by a member of COLAGE (Children of Lesbians and Gays Everywhere). Below, Scout talks about having both gay parents and gay grandparents, dealing with bias against her disability and her family, and watching her grandfathers marry after being committed to each other for over 50 years.
Tell us a little about the family in which you grew up. Who was in it? Anything particular you’d like to share about yourselves?
For the first half of my life I grew up with my parents, my Daddy who is my biological father, and his partner, Pappa. But I have severe cerebral palsy and need 24 hr care, so eventually it became too big of a task for them, financially and physically, so I went to live with my grandparents in England. My grandparents are also gay, Grandpa is my biological grandpa, and Grandfather is his partner.
What has been the most challenging thing you’ve faced as the child of (an) LGBT parent(s)? How did you handle it?
I have problems with people staring. Having severe cerebral palsy and being confined to a wheelchair, people stare at me quite frequently, but when they stare because my parents are both men, it is a very distinctive stare. Usually I get a: “Oh you poor thing,” stare because of my disability, but the homophobic stare sounds more like: “Oh . . . That’s one of those GAY families.” It bothered me for so long, but my Grandpa really gave me the tools to be accepting of my unique situation. So when people stare now because they recognize I am in a “different” family, I stare back confidently as if to say: “Yes, and I love my family, and they love me.”
What, if anything, did your parent(s) do to help you understand their sexual orientation or gender identity, or to help you deal with any issues this raised at school or elsewhere? Any resources (groups, books, movies, Web sites, etc.) you found particularly helpful?
My parents and grandparents have always been open about their sexuality to me, and have given me a great sense of history of the GLBT community. They really educated me by recounting the struggles they have gone through as well as those before them and those who continue to fight for equal civil rights. I was home-schooled so I can’t speak to issues concerning my treatment at school or educating other students about my family, however when I reached college, everyone whom I told was very open and thought it was rather cool that I had parents and grandparents who are gay.
Anything you wish your parents had done differently in terms of the above?
I really believe they educated me well on the gay community, but I know little about the LBT communities and their heroes and forerunners.
How does having an LGBT parent affect you in your adult life? Or how has the experience of having an LGBT parent shifted in adulthood?
Having a “gay” family, as it were, has been a wonderful experience. Coming into adulthood, watching my parents and grandparents and how they dealt with their differences and how the world dealt with them helped me deal with my own differences and pushed me to continue and accept and love my differences rather than hide away.
What are the ways that having an LGBT parent has made you into who you are today?
Not having any mother (she died during childbirth) or female figure has really made me gravitate towards men to confide in or ask advice of them. I just feel more comfortable around men, and even think it might have pushed me to be attracted to men. I don’t miss my mom as I never had one, but I wonder sometimes what it would have been like to have one, but I truly feel fulfilled with my family as they have always been there for me.
What advice would you most like to pass on to other children of LGBT parents? To the parents themselves?
Kids: It’s okay to be different, really you don’t want to be like everyone else, plus, you’re lucky to have parents (or a parent) who cares about you deeply. It will make sense once you are old enough to be a parent yourself, really!
Parents: Just love your kids, give them plenty of opportunities to seek out others who have the same family situation, and love them unconditionally.
Why did you choose to become involved with COLAGE?
I just thought it would be nice to talk to others who also had GLBT parents.
How else, if at all, are you involved in your community or in LGBT activism/politics?
I always try to write politicians to support pro-GLBT family legislation, as well as be a member of organizations that work towards equal civil rights for GLBT parents and their families.
Please share a favorite memory of being a COLAGEr or having an LGBT parent.
My favorite memory is watching my grandparents get married. They took the time to explain to me beforehand what it was like being in love with one another when homosexuality was outlawed, and how wonderful it was to finally be officially recognized by the British government after being committed to each other for 50+ years.
Answers such as these should be made widely available, especially in schools where prejudice and bigotry could be nipped in the bud.
Scout, you are an absolute inspiration both to other people with celebral palsy and to the gay community. I salute you.