I am not “Mrs. Rudolph.” That should not surprise readers here, for lesbians who take a partner or spouse’s name (and are thus eligible for the “missus” title) are few and far between. Rudolph was the last name I was born with, and despite the inevitable jokes at Christmas time, it’s the name I’ll keep for the rest of my life.
My son’s teachers, however (and, I venture to guess, most of the teachers in the school), insist on calling all of the mothers “Mrs. [Lastname].” All of his peers also seem to use “Mrs” for adult women.
Maybe it’s just my inherent feminism, not to mention too many years in the corporate world, where “Ms.” was de regueur. I twitch involuntarily when I hear someone address me as “Mrs. Rudolph.”
I’m trying not to make a big deal of it. I also really don’t want to come across as the uptight, oversensitive, PC type. I’m not, really.
I try to gently correct. “Ms. Rudolph,” I say —but it never seems to stick.
On the other hand, I am out to my son’s teachers, so the fact that they call me “Mrs.” is in some way a positive acknowledgment of my relationship status. That’s progress of a sort, even if feminism still has a ways to go.
Anyone else ever encounter this? How do you handle it?
My parents are straight, but my mom kept her own last name when they married, while my sister and I have our dad’s last name. My mom always hated it when our friends would call her Mrs. MyLastName, since not only was it an irritating “Mrs.,” it wasn’t actually her name. Her solution was to ask everyone to use her first name, which eventually caught on.
My daughter has my partner’s last name, although I am her primary caregiver. I get “Mrs. Partner’s-last-name” ALL the time! I actually kind of enjoy it, probably for the reasons you mention. Also, I have quite a few married, straight friends who didn’t take their husbands’ last names — and they all answer to “Mrs. His/the-kids-last-name” without issue. So to me it is the norm — and I *like* it!!
I’m straight, male, married, and spent my adult life in the Southwest and mostly in CA. I have a 7 year old daughter and speak to people in the military and from the South- and from all over the world on a daily basis.
I am addressed as Mr. (wife’s last name)
Mr (my first Name) and I know it’s because people are trying to be respectful.
I think it’s a case of progress- not – perfection and that as time passes, people will catch on to addressing same sex parents with the proper ettiquette and style.
It’s like anything else- certain people catch on faster than others, and some will never get it. Manners will vary by region and socioeconomic class.
I’m just happy my 7 year old is learning to address people by Mr. or Mrs.________(family name, or as she is told to) and I think that some couples will choose to take one family name over the other. Others won’t.
I honestly haven’t come across this at all, since “the norm” in my area seems to be addressing both adults and children alike by their first names only. I think I’d secretly get a thrill out of being called Mrs. HerLastName. I don’t think I’d be too offended if people addressed me by the wrong name (esp “Mrs”), because I know they’re at least attempting to be respectful.
I guess I’m one of those few out there- I took my wife’s last name when we got married, and though we haven’t had kids old enough for their friends to address us as Mrs., I suspect I’ll enjoy it for the same reason I took the name- because it signifies our family as a unit. That’s a big evolution, though- I remember being a kid and being so mad at my big sister for changing her name! And I still hate it when women are referred to as Mrs. Joe Schmoe, like she is completely erased. Whole people should have whole names.
I have the opposite problem. I went straight from Miss to Dr (work) and then now am happily Mrs. Quite frankly, Mrs describes my position (SAHM to non-bio child with female working partner) better in my social circle than does Ms (which implies, in my area at least, unpartnered and working.) Ms irritates me because it’s NOT me.
I think you nailed it, Simone. Titles that aren’t us always seem to irritate. I’ve never had that connotation of “Ms.,” but I can certainly imagine different regions interpreting it differently.
At the same time, of course, as some of the other commenters have pointed out, the intent to be respectful trumps all. I guess what bugs me is the association Kate mentions–traditionally, one can only be “Mrs. [Husband’s First Name][Husband’s Last Name].” The last name I don’t mind so much (though I wish in this day and age, the husband’s wasn’t the default). It’s the erasure of the woman as an individual.
Maybe I’m overthinking this. Fact is, as moms, I think we all also get a lot of being “So-and-So’s Mom.” Despite the slight erasure of our identities there, I suspect that’s a title none of us mind.
I live in the state of Florida. (Okay, now can I get some sympathy?) I cannot be legally married, but I refer to my “partner” as wife. Sometimes she gets called my girlfriend, because people aren’t really sure what term to use. We have been together since 2000, and we only came out to our friends and families one year ago (on Jan. 28th), by letter. It may be hard for you to imagine, but many were shocked and surprised. Denial is a powerful coping mechanism. Though we bought our wedding bands in 2001, we have just started wearing them publicly in the past year. Although my wife doesn’t really wear it at work yet, b/c she is an elementary school teacher. (More sympathy please. :)) The backlash is more than we can handle at this time. We are not allowed to see our beloved neices and nephews (which my wife was a nanny for one for 18 months) unless we pretend we aren’t together. It has been tough.
I am now I guess one of those few who is considering taking my wife’s last name, not to erase my identity, but to have one family name. I am a bit more attached to her name than my last name (for multiple reasons). (On a side note, my ex-boyfriend has now married and taken his wife’s last name!). I am looking at legally changing my name. It is a funny feeling, because although it is a happy thing that we are celebrating, we know how our families will react. When you do the “patriarchal, traditional” thing as two women, they will scoff and be angry. And I feel a little bit funny doing it, wondering if the group of people who accept me (LGBT community) will scoff because I do the “patriarchal” thing. I try to think of neither reaction. We are hoping to start trying to have children, and we desire one family name before that time. And as a side reason, I am figuring that in FL, it will be better for us to have one family name so that one of our motherhoods is a little less questioned, as I think it will be tough enough.
I came across this blog and other LGBT resources a year or so ago, and it has been a lifesaver. I read it daily.
One book that is pretty awesome that you might want to highlight sometime is The Other Side of Paradise: A Memoir by Staceyann Chin. It has had a large impact on me, especially due to the fact that Staceyann and my wife are both Chinese-Jamaican. My wife’s last name is also Chin!
It is one of my biggest pet peeves is when people call me the wrong name. Not in a oh-this-is-the-first-time-we’ve-met kind of way, but once I’ve TOLD you my name, it makes me crazy if someone continues to call me the wrong name (first, last, or title). To me, it seems like the most basic kind of respect for others. If you can’t be bothered to learn my name how can we have a relationship?