I’m very pleased today to bring you a guest post by Lori Hahn, who has blogged at Hahn at Home for several years, and is now also a co-editor of the new GLBT blog Our Big Gayborhood.
Lori writes below of teen sexuality—an area in which I have no expertise as a parent. I’m grateful for hers.
I’ve marveled over the past few years as I grew my three beautiful, loving, delightful multi-racial adopted kids through their junior high years and then high school years, where one is gone and two are closing in on that mortarboard and tassel. Always knowing in my logical mind that sex and sexuality are part and parcel of parenting at this tumultuous age and there would be no denying it despite my desire at times curl into a fetal ball and wish it all away.
My reticence in this regard had to be overcome. Kids need to be told the hard truths over and over about the potential consequences of sex. A single misstep on their part could be the difference between a sexually transmitted disease for which there is yet no cure or an adjustment to their entire life’s plan if they end up parenting too early. And sadly, the same myths that were told in my day are still passed along as fact today.
Yet, it’s the other side of sex—the emotional side to that first sexual experience—that must be held up as something to give to themselves and their partner with love, respect and trust. But, it all unfolds for each of them uniquely, a passage through which there is no return and by which they will never be the same.
Some people have criticized me for my blunt talk with my kids about sex. Afraid that by merely mentioning it, I am encouraging it. But that is not true. Straight-talk only arms them with information. I’m sure most of us remember that regardless of what level of openness our parents discussed sex, it is a very, very rare parent who knows when their child does have sex the first time. The decision to become sexually active will always ultimately be theirs alone.
My second son received something in his stocking this Christmas because a mother’s Spidey Senses tingle when there are covert signs that something is brewing and if not imminent, potentially on the horizon. It was a pack of condoms. Not new in the house, they have been housed in various strategic locations for some time as part of some previous conversation. He quietly and unobtrusively slid them back into his stocking and said nothing, but the message from me to him was clear. A few days later we had another talk. One which he was quick to remind me we’d had many times before and one for which I reminded him I would be bringing up again and again as long as he is my child.
It happens overnight—they walk, learn to ride their bicycle, drive a car and before you know it they are on their own life’s adventure. I want all three of their lives to be as full and rich and healthy and long-lasting as they can be. A few words, spoken openly and with love might help make the difference.
Resources for talking to your teen about sex can be found here: Teen Sex
Lori Hahn is co-editor of the GLBT blog Our Big Gayborhood and writes about parenting and living life as a lesbian at Hahn at Home.
I love it! You are one smart cookie and a good momma.
I talked to my boys honestly too..about sex. I also told them I would not be raising their kids for them..if they had kids before they were ready to raise them.
I also provided condems…and that was a long time ago.
Thanks Mel for your vote of confidence. If you got them through those years, there is hope for me!
Bravo for this article! Glad to know that I am not the only one peeking at my older teen daughter for any sign that she needs more sex ed, therapy or a trip to the doctor. Throughout her life, I have spoken to her openly and honestly about the health of her body and those that she may consider sharing her body with one day.
I was clueless when she decided to take that step but grateful that a giggle and a wink were her methods for delivering the blow to me when she chose to disclose her secret. Over 18 and responsible, it wasn’t the ‘end of the world’ for either of us. Creating a relaxed and open environment for communication is the start of a responsible sex life.
As with anything else, we want our children to have it better than we had. Most of us already knows what happens when curious young people are left to discover and explore on their own.