Mother’s Day and Father’s Day can be fraught times for LGBTQ parents and our children, seemingly designed to underscore that our families are different. I try to see them, however, as opportunities to remind the world that queer families exist. By raising our voices on these days—or sometimes, simply being visible—we resist the attempts of those trying to ignore or eliminate us, and we welcome all who take on the mantle of parenthood.
In this era when the State Department is trying to refuse citizenship to one two-year-old twin but not the other, because it won’t recognize their fathers’ marriage; when child service agencies in 10 states are allowed to discriminate against LGBTQ people, those of different religions, divorced or single parents and others whose lives go against the agencies’ religious tenets or beliefs; when the Department of Health and Human Services wants to allow discrimination in health care, simply being visible as an LGBTQ-headed family takes on a new importance.
We resist every time we meet with our children’s teachers to discuss how they are going to be celebrating those holidays in their classrooms and how they can make sure all families are included and honored. Teachers resist every time they proactively offer children inclusive ways of celebrating the holidays.
We resist when we, if we are married to another woman, buy cards in the store that say “To My Wife on Mother’s Day.”
We resist when we go out to eat as a family on Mother’s Day and insist on the Mother’s Day discount for both moms. We smile when the waiter says, “I’m going to take my moms out to dinner later as well.”
We resist when we insist on celebrating the holiday that aligns with our gender identity or with the parental identity that our children use for us, whichever we wish.
We resist when we choose which holiday we will celebrate, and when we change the name to Baba’s Day or Maddy’s Day or anything else that fits. We resist when we celebrate both holidays, because who doesn’t want more cake and flowers? We resist when we honor our children’s birth parents or other important grown-ups in their lives as well as ourselves.
We resist when we refuse to celebrate the holiday at all because our own mother rejected us for our queerness—but we create our own family holiday or tradition to celebrate with our children.
We resist when we speak out not only for ourselves, but also for families with single parents of all orientations, step-parent families, children being raised by grandparents, aunts, or uncles, those with more than two parents, and others who don’t fit the archetypal mom-dad mold.
We resist when we use the time between Mother’s Day and Father’s Day as a “family season” to revel in the wide diversity of families, even if we also use them to honor particular members of our own. We may offer positive examples to new LGBTQ parents and prospective parents; we may remind those outside our community that we still exist and that a nation’s commitment to its children means all its children. This season gives us an opportunity to raise our voices even more at a time when many of us are already used to speaking up for our families and family stories are much in the media.
Speaking of stories in the media, we resist when we tell our stories or share ideas about these holidays. Here are a few I’ve seen this year:
- “These Iowans have fostered more than 20 kids. So why do they feel like ‘imposters’ on Mother’s Day?” in the Des Moines Register, a profile of Erin and Kelly Meek.
- “Navigating Mother’s Day as a transgender woman” by Denise Brogan-Kator at Option B.
- “Why These Trans Moms Hate Mother’s Day,” at SheKnows. (The headline is a little exaggerated, though; only one of the trans parents in the article says she “hates” the day.)
- “Remembering Jeanne Manford: ‘The mother of the LGBTQ ally movement,'” at NBC News.
- “Celebrating Mother’s Day with two dads,” by Jean Azar-Tanguay, also at Option B.
- Option B also offers ideas for “How to celebrate in a way that includes all LGBTQ families,” with advice from Amanda Hopping-Winn, chief program officer at Family Equality Council.
- Similarly, Brianna Sharpe at HuffPo Canada writes, “This Mother’s Day, Here’s How To Celebrate And Support LGBTQ Moms.”
This “spirit of the season” is one of the reasons I have always held #LGBTQFamiliesDay (formerly Blogging for LGBTQ Families Day) at the beginning of June. Not only is it the start of Pride Month, but it sits roughly midway between Mother’s Day and Father’s Day—honoring both, but reminding us that not all families fit neatly into those two days. This year, as last year, it’s a broad social media campaign encompassing any and all forms of social media, including Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, YouTube, a blog, or anything else. Just post and share with that hashtag on Monday, June 3. Let’s see how much buzz we can create. And if you want to submit a link to one of your posts, to be shared on the master list for the day, you may do so—but mostly, just get out onto social media and use the hashtag to celebrate and support LGBTQ families. Allies are welcome, too.
However you celebrate Mother’s Day (and Father’s Day after it) and simultaneously resist the attempts to ignore, silence, and reject LGBTQ families, may it be a day full of joy, doing whatever feels right for you.