Most of us have seen the New Yorker cartoon from 2011 that always seems to recirculate this time of year: A teacher leans over the desk of a child making a card that reads, “Happy Mothers’ Day.” The child looks up at the teacher and says, “I have two mommies. I know where the apostrophe goes.” It’s funny, of course, as it reminds the audience that yes, there are families with two moms (and kids who are really good at grammar). At the same time, though, I sometimes worry that the cartoon may reinforce the incorrect assumption which conflates all LGBTQ moms into two-mom units.
There are, of course, many other LGBTQ family configurations, some of whom use the singular possessive “Mother’s” for the holiday, including single mothers of any queer identity and bisexual and transgender mothers with partners/spouses who don’t go by “mother.” And some of us may choose non-traditional parental titles, like a lesbian who prefers to be called “baba” because it has fewer stereotypically gendered associations and assumptions. Much the same goes for queer fathers and nonbinary parents, who may also use a variety of titles and have a variety of relationships, thus punctuating Mother’s Day and/or Father’s Day in different ways.
This delightful mix means that we should each celebrate whatever and whenever feels best us and our family. My spouse and I tend to celebrate together on Mothers’ Day (and our teenage son appreciates this, as he only has to make a cake once). Other two-parent LGBTQ families I know prefer that each parent has their own day to be celebrated and feasted. Some may also use one of the holidays to honor a sperm or egg donor, surrogate, or the person from whom they adopted. Others may ignore these days altogether, and instead find birthdays or adoption days more significant family events.
The time between Mother’s Day and Father’s Day, however, is often the time of year when the differences between our families and those of non-LGBTQ parents become most apparent. Mainstream media saturates viewers with images of traditional families and stereotypical, gendered ideas for presents. Often, too, school projects for these holidays may assume family configurations not shared by all students (though I suspect that virtual schooling right now may reduce the number of often gender-stereotyped Mother’s Day and Father’s Day craft projects that elementary students frequently do). Welcoming Schools offers several lesson plans that are more inclusive, though we should be sensitive this year that teachers have more than usual on their plates right now as they grapple with virtual classrooms; suggestions of new curriculum ideas on any topic may be too much to handle. Share them gently if you do–and you can always simply use them yourself at home as a supplement to any school activities.
Despite the stress that these holidays may cause, I hope that we can take advantage of the spotlight they shine on parents of all identities. The time between them offers us LGBTQ parents an extended opportunity to celebrate the commonalities we share with all families, as well as what makes each of us unique. Perhaps it even allows us to build some bridges. And while mainstream media may try to push a narrow view of what is appropriate to do or give on each of these days, we should take that as a challenge to our creativity. Do something to celebrate what makes your family special; give what you know a person would like, even if it’s as simple as a handmade card or a song sung by your child(ren). This year, creating thoughtful moments like that can also take us away, if only briefly, from the stresses of the pandemic and its effects, providing needed moments of respite.
One additional way to celebrate during this season is on #LGBTQFamiliesDay, an event I created in 2006 as a day for online storytelling and sharing about LGBTQ families. I hold it each year at the beginning of June, which is not only the start of Pride Month, but also roughly midway between Mother’s Day and Father’s Day—honoring both, but reminding us that not all parents exist at one of those poles. Please join me on June 1, 2020, for the event’s 15th year. Simply post, tweet, or share on any social media channel in celebration and support of LGBTQ families and include the hashtag #LGBTQFamiliesDay. You can also follow the hashtag throughout the day and share the stories, images, and thoughts from other participants, and optionally, submit a link to one of your posts for inclusion in the master list of #LGBTQFamiliesDay stories. Many thanks to Family Equality for once again sponsoring the event.
Whichever parenting holiday(s) you celebrate, or if you make up your own observances, may they be times of joy for you and your families.
(Originally published as my Mombian newspaper column.)
