I’m not even going to search for a parenting quote from the episode to use in this post title—the episode title itself says it all, and this episode was packed with themes of family and parenting. Here’s my take.
Spoilers ahead.
Finley and Mom
It’s Thanksgiving in L Word Land, and Thanksgiving here, as for so many others, means family. For Finley, however, that means an unexpected visit from her estranged mom Anne, who shows up at the bar/queer hangout where Finley works, just as Finley and boss Tess are getting ready to host a Thanksgiving event. Tess, whose own mother has just died, urges Finley to speak with her, explaining, “If there’s anything I’ve learned recently, it’s that we really just don’t know how much time we have with anyone.” Finley agrees to try.
As someone whose parents have both died, one after years of battling two types of cancer, the other after a short and sudden bout with the disease, I see Tess’s perspective here. Whether we prepare ourselves for their deaths or not; whether we spent time with them or not—it can seem like there’s never been enough time. Having said that, Finley’s mom is critical, controlling, and biased, and I can’t blame Finley for not wanting to be around her.
Finley calls in support from her recent ex, Sophie, who is about to sit down for Thanksgiving dinner with her own mom (Nana) and the rest of the Suarez family, including sister Maribel and Maribel’s boyfriend Micah. Sophie’s mom is cooking up a feast—but Finley’s plight convinces Sophie convinces change her entire family’s plans and bring them all along to dinner at the bar. This felt like the most unrealistic part of the episode, but it’s no more unrealistic than the plot twists in any number of mainstream holiday specials, so perhaps that’s a sign of progress. It also served to contrast Sophie’s loving, expressive, and accommodating family with Finley’s harsh one. There was no question of Sophie going alone without her family; they stick together. The rest of the episode draws out this contrast.
In an extra twist, Maribel reveals to her mom that she wants to marry Micah, after refusing his proposal in an earlier episode in favor of just having a baby together. She shows her mother the ring she’s bought for him—but her mother accidentally drops it into the mashed potatoes. Sophie is rushing them all out the door, so her mom grabs the potatoes to bring along, leading to an ongoing gag in which she stirs the potatoes in search of the ring, explaining to others that the stirring “wakes up the flavors.” (Also, can we appreciate the sheer number of garlic cloves that must be in the potatoes? Just look at those garlic skins on the counter.)
Around the table at the bar, Sophie launches into a Suarez family tradition of having everyone write down something they’re grateful for, then sharing the notes and trying to guess who wrote what. Finley’s mom ignores the rules, disrespectful of Suarez traditions, and blurts out that she’s grateful “for my daughter Sarah.”
Finley is understandably testy. “Definitely never heard you say that before,” she says, to which her mom replies, “If you ever came home, I could have told you.” Her mom’s gratitude comes with conditions.
“Her father misses her, too,” Finley’s mom insists, and when Finley asks why he isn’t there, too, Anne drops the bombshell that she’s leaving him.
“We got married young,” she explains. “I felt like something was missing, like I was trapped in the marriage.”
“What are you even talking about?” Finley splutters, and her mom tells her to watch her tone. That’s something one might say to a 12-year-old, but once a kid is grown, it’s just patronizing.
Despite the friction between them, Finley’s mom still feels a bond, explaining, “I just thought maybe you’d be able to understand. You’re the only person I know who ever left Kansas City and did anything. You created your own life. I came here because I thought I—never mind.” This might seem like a nice example of how sometimes parents look up to their kids—but Finley’s mom seems manipulative enough that I’m skeptical.
Finley is, too. Talking this through with Sophie and Tess, she bemoans, “She knows the exact thing to say to send me into a free fall.” That’s the thing about families; we know everyone’s weaknesses as well as their strengths. The trick is not to use this power to harm, something Finley’s mom still needs work on.
Tess notes that Finley can’t control her mom, only herself. Finley therefore wonders if making amends (something she learned in AA), might be helpful. When she starts to tell her mom all of the things she’s sorry for, however, her mom tells her not to “get all emotional” and not to curse. “You’re smarter than that,” she says, again treating Finley as if she is 12.
Finley tries again, saying, “I’m sorry for embarrassing you,” and her mom shoots back with, “You’ve embarrassed me your whole life, Sarah.” She’s a walking example of how not to parent. (She’s also wrapped up in her White privilege; when Sophie does an Indigenous Land Acknowledgement before the meal, Anne asks, “Whatever happened to the Mayflower and the first Thanksgiving?”)
Finley later exclaims to Sophie in the back room, “It’s my mom and she f—-ng hates me. Why does she hate me so much?” Sophie is firm. “No. She f—-ng hates herself.”
Finley and Sophie kiss, just as Carrie enters, fresh from the local Turkey Trot (a storyline I won’t go into, except to say that as a fellow Turkey Trotter, I think I’ve run with that same guy in the turkey costume). They all proceed to the dining area, with Sophie and Finley gazing at each other. Sophie’s mom and aunt exchange money, having bet on whether the two would get back together—a small aside, but another indication of how Sophie’s family engages with each other. Finley insists they’re not together, whereupon her mom bursts out, “Sarah—did you date this girl? I didn’t know she was gay! [To Sophie] I mean, you’re just so pretty.”
Carrie observes, “Kind of brutal, Mom.”
“Oh, excuse me. Who are you?” Anne responds.
“I’m Carrie. I’ve been filling in in your absence,” shoots back Carrie. Clearly I was right in noticing Carrie’s parental position in Finley’s life.
“Well, I hope you like cleaning up messes, because she’s really good at making them,” snipes Anne.
“Well, now I know where she f—-ng learned it,” Carrie comes back, undeterred.
Finley says that’s not surprising, given that she was kicked out at 17 for being gay. Her mom protests, and when Finley tries to argue, snaps, “Sarah Anne Finley, you do not raise your voice at me!” Again, she’s treating Finley like she’s still a kid—or maybe she’s trying to control the one thing she thinks she can, as her own marriage breaks apart. We also learn here that Finley carries her mom’s name; clearly her mom has been projecting a lot of her expectations and assumptions onto her daughter.
“You need to be on medication!” Anne adds—though whether she means for being gay, for being an alcoholic, or for unspecified other reasons is unclear, since Tess comes in, trips, and drops the turkey into Anne’s lap. It looks accidental, but I wouldn’t be surprised if Tess did it on purpose.
“It was a mistake coming here,” Anne says, perhaps the only reasonable thing she’s said all night. “I was really hoping you had changed,” she tells Finley, who retorts, “I have.”
Exit Anne, as Carrie brings everyone together to give Finley a group hug. Chosen family for the win.
Meanwhile
Meanwhile, Uncle Shane is visiting Angie at college. (Parents Bette and Tina are presumably still at Tina’s place in Toronto.) They’re helping out at a soup kitchen, when Angie spots her ex, whom she wants to avoid. Angie explains that “the timing wasn’t right” with him, but never tells Shane that her ex is also one of her teachers; clearly, even a sympathetic uncle doesn’t need to know everything.
“I just wish that I could fast-forward to what my moms have, or you and Tess,” Angie says, idealizing both couples in a way that should make most viewers choke on their popcorn. It took Tina and Bette years of having affairs and breaking up before they finally (?) settled down with each other for good. And Shane and Tess are working through a rough patch, too, as Shane explains to Angie, who seems a little shocked.
Parents, take note: Our relationships are models for our kids. That doesn’t mean they shouldn’t see some of the bumps in the road—in fact, seeing us work through them can be good modeling, too, as can getting out of a relationship when it is truly bad. But our kids should definitely inspire us to work on our marital/partner relationships.
In Conclusion
Back at the bar, everyone is getting to the Suarez tradition of reading each others’ gratitude notes. Nana picks one and reads, “I am grateful for my donor.”
“Did you write that?” Maribel asks Micah, who says sweetly, “It can be the first thing in the scrapbook.”
“Organ or baby?” asks Carrie.
“Baby,” say Micah and Maribel together, and the table erupts in applause.
I choked up a little at this, since finding a donor is a pivotal moment for so many queer families, and this was an expression of pure queer joy. At the same time, the news comes out of nowhere, given the couple’s previous lack of success in finding a donor. Have they taken my advice and tried more than one sperm bank? We don’t actually know, but honestly, I’m just happy the writers nipped the overdone “wacky potential known donors” storyline in the bud and cut to the chase here. Maribel and Micah are on their way to starting their family and everyone is happy for them.
Of course, they still have a long way to go. Finding a donor is no guarantee that they won’t have fertility challenges. For the moment, though, let’s revel in their joy.
That moment is brief, however. Back at Carrie’s house, Carrie has a heart attack, and Finley tries desperately to do CPR as she waits for the ambulance. Cut to Tess scattering her mom’s ashes as she gives us a voiceover, while the scenes flash among the rest of the characters:
Dear Mama, I’m thankful for a lot of things, mostly for everything you taught me. Like, sometimes rules are meant to be broken. We have the power to make the family we choose. That when something good comes into your life, you should hold on to it. I’m thankful you taught me that every moment on this Earth is a gift. I love you, Mama.”
One scene interspersed with the voiceover is in Sophie, Maribel, and Micah’s house, where the ring has finally been located, and Maribel proposes. (Micah says yes.)
It’s then back to Finley and Carrie, where it looks like Carrie isn’t going to make it. New life and a new stage in one relationship, versus the seeming end of another life. It’s poignant, though a little heavy handed. And as Riese notes in her full recap over at Autostraddle, “This heart attack is lazy and cheap as a plot point but also as something to bequeath upon the show’s only not-skinny character after she exercises one (1) time.”
For me, I will be upset if they really do kill off Carrie, who offered a wonderful example of a “not-skinny,” masculine-presenting, elder queer person and mentor, and we need more of any or all of those. Surely they could figure out a way to retain the character even if Rosie O’Donnell isn’t a series regular. Stay tuned.
Catch up on my other parenting explorations of this season’s LW:GQ: