A number of years ago, a mainstream journalist asked me, “Are you worried about providing male role models for your son?” Here’s the piece I wrote about my answer, which I’m pulling from the archives and freshening up a bit.
The Question—and a Pocket Square
When a mainstream journalist asked me, “Are you worried about providing male role models for your son?” I answered, as I always do to the question, “No.”
It’s not that I don’t want him to have men as role models; it’s just that I’m not worried about it. I think that very often, when the media asks that question, they are ignoring the realities not only of same-sex and single parents’ lives, but also of children’s lives in general.
A few weeks ago, for example, I went to a department store with my eight-year-old son to buy him a dress shirt for his piano recital. It wasn’t a super-fancy affair, but I wanted him to wear something a little nicer than his usual Lego Star Wars t-shirt. I was envisioning a plain white button-down shirt and khakis.
To my surprise, he made a beeline for the tie rack, insisting that he wanted to wear a tie, too. He pulled off a spiffy bright blue one with a thin diamond pattern in green, and then told me he preferred a light blue shirt to go with it.
After that—even more surprisingly—he said he wanted to get a pocket square. I reeled from his sartorial vision. He’s rarely seen any of the men in our extended family in suits (we’re a casual bunch), and not one of them has ever worn a pocket square. (Neither have my spouse or I, for that matter—we’re just not that butch.) Somehow, though, my son had formed an image of what a well-dressed person of his gender should wear, and was pursuing it.
His conception of how to dress like a man is therefore clearly influenced by far more than just the men to whom he is closest. And even children with parents whose gender(s) align with their own are influenced by more than just their parents, no matter how primary the parents’ influence may be.
We’re Not Isolated
The incident got me thinking further about gendered role models. As I see it, many non-LGBTQ people miss three essential points when they inquire about this. First, most queer moms don’t live in feminist communes with nary a man in sight. Many of us have fathers, brothers, donors, or other men who are close to us in our families (however we define them)—not to mention teachers, coaches, clergy members, fathers of our children’s friends, and other respectable men (whether cisgender or transgender) in our communities. Many of the queer moms I know, especially those with sons, make an extra effort to reach out to them. The same is true in similar ways for other queer parents who seek role models of genders different from their own for their children. Additionally, children encounter images of gender from books, television, and other media. Much of this perpetuates clichéd gender stereotypes, but rightly or wrongly, it’s another input that may shape children’s views. (Perhaps that’s where my son first saw a pocket square.)
Avoiding Clichés
This brings us to my second point, which is that it’s hard to talk about gendered role models without getting into these clichéd stereotypes. Many butch moms exude more masculinity than a lot of the men I know—but even I, who tend to be read as more feminine (despite a penchant for jeans and flannel), can still teach my son to throw a football, shoot an arrow, swing a hammer, pitch a tent, and other such “manly” things. (The Dangerous Book for Boys, a tome of adventurous activities that came out a few years ago, reads like a chronicle of my own tomboy childhood.)
Yes, it’s just as biased to assume all queer women have such masculine interests (or that queer men have feminine ones), but nor should we assume the opposite—that children without a father will learn no “masculine” skills at home. Such assumptions also insult straight, cisgender moms who coach sports, or straight, cisgender dads who teach their children to sew. (I know both.) And nonbinary parents and other nonbinary role models offer children yet more examples of how gender is a many splendored thing.
If we leave aside stereotypes, however, I will agree it is important for my son to have role models who identify as men—not because of any old-fashioned beliefs about men’s interests and roles vs. women’s—but because I believe there’s a resonance when a child sees a person who identifies the same way he or she does, whatever that may be. I think it is important for my son to have men as role models, in the same way it is important to have LGBTQ families in books and media. It’s reassuring to see that part of oneself reflected in a positive way.
That doesn’t mean those role models need to adhere to any particular definition of what it means to “be a man.” It’s even better if they don’t—that way, my son can view them all and find his own way of being. (And yes, I want him to have women and nonbinary people as role models, too, so that he learns to respect and understand people with identities different from his own as well. Same for other aspects of his identity.)
The Real Question
Lastly, when the media asks about gendered role models, it seems they are really asking whether same-sex couples—or single parents of any orientation—should be parents. The question seems to imply: “Don’t you worry that you’re lacking an essential component for raising a child?”
The fact is, almost every parent and parenting couple, LGBTQ and not, lacks something they will need to raise their child. A non-athletic person could be raising a child with a talent for soccer; parents with no musical skills might be raising a child who wants to become a professional pianist. Parents and children can differ in other physical and mental abilities, too. And parents may be raising children of different racial or ethnic identities than their own. We will likely do (or should do) the same thing: seek advice and role models from friends and community members who share our children’s identity/-ies. It does take the proverbial village to raise a child, and in this, LGBTQ and non-LGBTQ parents are very much alike.
So I don’t worry about my son needing men as role models, although I want and welcome them, and am forever grateful for the ones we have. Maybe I’ll buy them all pocket squares as a gift. I hear they’re a trendy men’s fashion accessory these days.
(Originally published with slight variation as my Mombian newspaper column in 2011.)