Back-to-school time is upon us once again. We LGBT parents with kids in school are busy buying pencils and notebooks, rulers and knapsacks. We’re not that different from any others.
For many LGBT parents, however, the start of the school year brings up concerns about our children’s inclusion and safety. To begin, we may wonder about how and whether to come out to our children’s new teachers. How do we get a sense of whether they will create an inclusive classroom?
There are three basic approaches one can take. First, one can wait until any questions or issues arise. Some parents may feel most comfortable with this least intrusive method. For parents of older students, too, this may be the way to go, allowing the children to take control over how and when to come out about their families.
Others may choose to be more proactive, setting up a time to meet with the teacher, get a feel for their commitment to inclusion, and answer any questions they may have. If you think there may be issues, this could be the best way to bring them into the open. On the other hand, it might be overkill—for all you know, the teacher could be LGBT her/himself, or a strong ally.
A more middle-ground approach would be to find a way—without making a special appointment—to let your children’s teachers know you are an LGBT family. If you are a two-parent family, for example, make sure both of you take your child to school on the first day or go to a start-of-year parent gathering. Make a point of introducing yourselves as “So-and-so’s parents.”
There is no one right answer for every family. Parents may even mix methods as they deal with homeroom teachers as well as music, art, and physical education specialists.
Beyond general issues of inclusion, many LGBT parents may also be rightly concerned about bullying. Studies by the Gay and Lesbian Student Education Network (GLSEN) have shown that one of the most frequent reasons students are harassed is because of their real or perceived sexual orientation. This puts both LGBT students and non-LGBT children of LGBT parents at particular risk.
Even states that have anti-bullying laws, however, may not specifically name sexual orientation and gender identity as protected categories, although doing so has been shown—by GLSEN and by the U.S. Supreme Court in the landmark gay-rights case Romer v. Evans—to make such laws more effective. Still, the law is a step in the right direction and provides important protections.
And in mid-August, the U.S. Department of Education’s Office of Safe and Drug-Free Schools (OSDFS), headed by GLSEN founder Kevin Jennings, held a national conference on bullying. Several LGBT groups, among others, attended. But if it has taken a year and a half into the Obama administration just to have a conference on the subject, one might surmise it will take even longer to see any action. And several bills that would address LGBT-based discrimination and bullying in schools look unlikely to move during this session of Congress.
We may bemoan the lack of solid state and federal protections, but we should remember that regardless of laws and regulations, bullying prevention begins at the very local level, with parents, teachers, administrators and students themselves working together to create an environment of respect.
We should not, therefore, start the school year by dwelling on all that could go wrong. While we should prepare for the worst, it also behooves us to think of all the positives. There are allies out there, from parents of our children’s existing friends to parents and teachers with LGBT relatives (and even some who are LGBT themselves). There are non-LGBT families who might face similar concerns because of race, religion, disability, adoptive status, being a single parent, or other factors. We can reach out and build bonds based on our desire for acceptance.
For parents wanting to recommend resources to their schools, or to gain more insight on school-related matters themselves, HRC’s Welcoming Schools Guide remains the best single source, especially for grades K through 5. It offers suggestions on how to create welcoming classrooms for LGBT students and those with LGBT parents, lesson plans for teachers who want to address diversity issues more directly, and lists of books and other resources. It can be used as part of a structured curriculum, but is also a useful standalone guide.
Other organizations offering school-related resources include GLSEN, COLAGE, Parents, Family, and Friends of Lesbians and Gays (PFLAG), the Gay-Straight Alliance Network, and the National Center for Lesbian Rights. And the American Library Association’s Rainbow Bibliography offers a librarian-selected list of LGBT-inclusive children’s and young adult books.
The most important thing for LGBT parents to remember, therefore, is that you are not alone. Even if you are the only LGBT family you know of at your school, you may still find other families who support you. And there are more and more LGBT families if you look further afield to your local or state LGBT organizations or online.
No matter what advice we get from others, however, the only global truth is that we must act based on what we feel is right for our own children.
May we all learn along with them in the coming year.
(Originally published as my Mombian newspaper column.)
We’re 4 years away from a 1st day of school, but we’re really worried. In our backward province, the gov’t recently passed a bill (bill 44 in Alberta) that makes it mandatory for teachers/schools to notify parents of impending discussions about religion, sex and sexual orientation, so that parents can yank their kids out for that lesson/day. If a teacher does not notify, and the discussion happens, the bill allows for the parents to charge the teacher with a human rights violation.
Our concern – when our daughter repeatedly mentions (as kids will) her parents in classroom discussions as benign as “what did you do for the weekend”, she will be muzzled by a teacher trying to avoid being hauled before a human rights tribunal. That the conservatives will muzzle my child to protect the “human rights” of their offspring boggles the mind. Yet the bill passed. In Canada. In this day and age.
You would be welcome in my classroom anytime. People need to take off their rose colored glasses & look at one another as human beings, first and foremost.
Sandy Avila, Director of Operations at Prepped & Polished: Tutoring, College Counseling, Test Prep
For the last couple years we’ve taken your middle-ground approach: we just introduce ourselves to the teachers as “M’s parents” at open-house night at school. Since this is middle school, open-house involves hundreds of parents cycling through multiple classrooms, and we don’t necessarily get to speak to every teacher. But of the several we have, none has blinked an eye at the two-female-parents thing. If anything, the only reaction they’ve shown is mild relaxation upon learning which child my wife is there for, since the last name they see on her name tag doesn’t match any kid on their class lists.
Your advice about not dwelling on the negative while preparing for the worse is so very true. Reaching out and building bonds based on our desire for acceptance builds community and safety for all our kids. Sometimes that acceptance is gained through the altruism of others, sometimes through our own. In the best of situations, it is both.
Since you used the full acronym I thought I’d mention that unless a ‘T’ parent is flawlessly unread as such, we do not have the luxury of the three choices you presented. We’re outed the moment we walk in the door as if we’d shown up at a Southern Baptist Sunday Service dressed for Pride. There is rarely the chance to size up the teacher or other parents first and modify behavior accordingly. Consider us the canary in the mine.
Should it be the child that is ‘T’, he or she is outed when the required birth certificate is turned in with immunization and other records. At that point the only parental option all too often is a pre-emptive litany of letters and meetings informing the school of their legal obligations regarding the child’s safety and the negotiation of bathroom privileges, not the best of ways to start a relationship unless allies are already present.
Being out complicates things just a bit when speaking of a child’s safety, for sometimes all it takes to tip the balance is one administrator or staff member or parent that strongly disagrees for whatever reason with our equality. My wife and I have found that all of our social bonds have become much more fluid the last few years as people’s assessment of our family has shifted and changed with each new meeting. As you said, it is the communities we build that prove to be the biggest positive of all.
Thank you for mentioning the specialists in addition to classroom teachers! I am a fine arts teacher and have 650 students and it really helps to know what parents go with each child. I also Have back to school anxiety about how parents will react was to me as an openly gay elementary school teacher. So far it hasn’t been an issue at all, and I know if it became one the parents support me because they know
Oops! Here’s the rest of my comment. I know the parents would support me because they know how much I care about their kids.