Congratulations to all of the same-sex couples in Minnesota and Rhode Island who may choose to marry starting today. And on ABC Family’s The Fosters, fictional moms-of-five Stef and Lena are getting married on this coming Monday’s episode. I thought I’d mark the happy occasions by posting a revised version of a column I did several years ago, about planning a wedding if you already have kids.
Many same-sex couples who wed have already been married in spirit, if not in law, for many years. My spouse and I had been together for 13 years before we were able to make it legal. This means same-sex couples are likely to have children before we marry (as I did, and as did the first to wed in Minnesota, Margaret Miles and Cathy ten Broeke), turning the ceremonies into celebrations of the entire family. Here are some ideas for including children in our weddings.
Before the Ceremony
First and foremost, explain to them the purpose of the ceremony. For young children, it may be as simple as saying it is a way for you and your partner to celebrate your love and your family. A great book to share with them is Donovan’s Big Day, by Lesléa Newman, which takes a kid’s-eye view of going to one’s parents’ wedding. Older children may be ready for an explanation of how same-sex couples only recently gained the right to legalize their relationships. Children of previous marriages may want to discuss how the marriage affects their relationship with another parent.
If your children are old enough, include them in planning the event. If you don’t have a location in mind, ask for their ideas. (Yes, they may say, “the zoo”—but hey, it could be fun to have wedding photos with elephants in the background.) Let them choose their outfits. Promise to wear a necklace one of them has made, or put artwork from another on the invitations. If you are having a reception, get their input on what food to serve. Have them choose small gifts for the other children in attendance.
During the Ceremony
I asked Gayle Smalley, an attorney and Justice of the Peace in Newton, Massachusetts, who married my partner and me, for some suggestions here.
The officiant should say the children’s names at least once during the ceremony, Smalley recommends, and the children be visible during at least part of it, regardless of the wedding’s size or formality, to reinforce the message that the wedding is about the whole family.
Children who want to be active participants could walk in procession with the wedding party. There is also a long tradition of having special friends and family “stand up” for the couple, even though some states do not require witnesses. This could be a formal arrangement with attendants, or just one or two children or adults standing with them.
An older child might perform a musical piece or short reading. Some children’s literature, such as “Oh, the Places You’ll Go,” by Dr. Seuss, is perfect for the occasion, Smalley notes. Choosing a selection together can be a special part of the wedding preparations. You might also pick an old family favorite or even a poem the child has composed.
Some children may take more traditional roles. Smalley observes, “I have been struck by how quickly little girls will stake a claim to flower girl status. Many parents are taken aback to learn that their daughter already knows something about this role, and lesbian mothers are frequently aghast at a daughter’s sudden thrill with ruffles and lace.” It’s all about the freedom to choose, I say.
A child may also carry the rings, if the wedding involves a ring exchange. If a child wants to carry flowers and rings, Smalley recommends putting the rings in a box in the bottom of the flower basket. After dropping the petals, the child can easily hand over the rings.
For some couples, the marriage represents a new role as parent for one member, and their vows may reflect this. Smalley suggests something like, “Amelia, I promise to stand by you as your spouse, for better for worse, in sickness and health, for all our days, and I promise to be a loving parent to Sara. . . .” You could modify this if each parent had a child before the relationship began: “I promise to be a loving parent to Sara as well as to Jack.”
Many parents present gifts to their children as part of the ceremony. The officiant might say, “As a memento of this important day, Harry and Jeff would like to present a gift to Emma.” For young children, this might be a simple plastic toy. For older ones, it could be a meaningful keepsake. Smalley relates the story of a mother and her new love: “In the year before the wedding, the mother had given an engagement ring to her partner. At the wedding, the partner/new parent presented that ring to her new daughter—quite a symbolic gesture of the interweaving of their lives.”
Grandchildren may also play the roles above, although most families regard the wedding of grandparents as less of a life-changing moment for the grandchildren, Smalley has found. An older couple may prefer to have their grown children in the ceremony, and may or may not choose to have grandchildren participate as well.
Whatever you plan, don’t forget the practicalities of childcare, especially with very young tots. Bring along, as necessary, extra diapers, a change of clothes (for them and yourselves), and toys and books to occupy them during the reception. Designate one other adult to carry a bag with these items and watch the children when you are occupied. Older children may need less supervision, but you might let them each invite a friend or two so they can share their family’s special day and have someone to hang out with at the reception.
However you choose to celebrate your wedding, use it to reinforce the love and fun of being a family.