A must-read for this President’s Day is writer and parent Jennifer Finney Boylan’s piece at Medium, “I’m all done explaining my humanity.” She’s talking about being transgender—but it’s a piece everyone should read, trans and cis alike.
In the article, Boylan explains why she has decided to no longer engage with those who try to argue that “transgender people aren’t who they say they are” and that it is acceptable to treat them with less than kindness and respect.
Instead of arguing with definitions and explanations, she postulates, “It may be that all of the explaining we do of our own lives—all our empassioned speeches about what it means to be trans, what it means to be this particularly complicated and gifted form of human—are less effective than simply being, than simply living in the world.”
This resonated for me as a cisgender lesbian mom because for some time now, we, too, have had to defend our existence and fitness to be parents. The evidence now seems incontrovertible, and I find myself not particularly wanting to write about new studies that yet again tell us the kids of gay and lesbian parents are well adjusted. No disrespect to the researchers, who likely started their work long ago and should not be blamed for continuing to publish it. I just don’t see it as breaking news anymore. Like Boylan, I’d rather just live my life and be with my family instead of explaining or defending it. As for research, I’d prefer to see studies of things that could be useful to us as parents in our daily lives, not just in courtrooms. How and when do we teach our children about their origins, for example? How do we respond when our children ask why they don’t have a dad (or mom, for children of gay dads)? How do we model relationships for them?
I hope this connection I felt with Boylan’s piece not only helps me understand my own position as a lesbian mom, though, but also helps me be a better ally to the trans community. While Boylan certainly doesn’t speak for every trans person, comments on her piece indicate she’s not the only one who feels as she does. And while LGBQ equality is far from perfect and secure, trans equality—starting with the right to conduct a basic daily biological function without anxiety and fear—seems even less so. We each need to step up to ensure equality for all of us.
This is not to say that I think explanations—of either being transgender or being LGBQ—aren’t still needed in some arenas. And perhaps projects like National Geographic’s recent Gender Revolution documentary, which combine explanations with life stories, are the sweet spot in terms of spreading understanding and creating change in the broader world. But for each of us as individuals, I think Boylan has it right. We don’t owe anyone an explanation. We just need to live.
Go read Boylan’s piece in its entirety, especially for her blunt line about theories of the world. Thanks to her, as so often, for her thoughtful words.
(H/t Dawn Ennis.)