It’s a tough time to be an LGBTQ parent in the United States. Between legislation that threatens our ability to form and protect our families, attacks on books and media that reflect them, and concerns that impact all parents, like school shootings and pandemics, we may feel stressed and overwhelmed. Without denying those ills or our need to address them (which I have covered before and will again), I want to focus here on a few positive things to keep in mind.
There are a lot of us. As many as 6 million American children and adults (some grown) have an LGBTQ parent, and between 2 million and 3.7 million children under age 18 have one, according to the latest analyses from UCLA’s Williams Institute. Of these, 191,000 children are being raised by two same-sex parents, meaning that the majority are being raised by single LGBTQ parents or by different-sex couples where one or both parents are bisexual or transgender.
We have a long history. There have been LGBTQ parents arguably going back to Sappho (7th-6th century BCE) and Alexander the Great (4th century BCE), even though they might not have used the same terminology. We hear of out LGBTQ parents from around the time of World War II, mostly in the context of cases that denied them child custody after divorce from different-sex, cisgender spouses. The first known discussion groups on lesbian motherhood (or any queer parenthood) were held by the pioneering San Francisco lesbian organization Daughters of Bilitis in 1956. By the 1970s, LGBTQ parents began winning some of the custody cases, and out LGBTQ people also began intentionally starting families. Don’t ever let anyone tell you we’re a new or untested “social experiment.”
Our children are thriving. There is “an overwhelming scholarly consensus, based on over three decades of peer-reviewed research, that having a gay or lesbian parent does not harm children,” according to Cornell University’s What We Know Project. There is less data on bisexual and transgender parents, but what there is supports the same conclusion. This is not to say our children are or should be perfect—and the same goes for us as parents—but it is not our queerness that leads to imperfections.
Representation is increasing. LGBTQ-inclusive children’s books have exploded in number since about 2017 (though some existed long before that), among both mainstream and independent publishers. Based on my tracking of upcoming books, this shows no sign of slowing down. Representation is also increasing on children’s television. Shows for preschoolers from the venerable “Sesame Street” (HBO and PBS) to newer offerings like “Ridley Jones” (Netflix), “Madagascar: A Little Wild” (Hulu and Peacock), “Rugrats” (Paramount +), and more have given us one-time or ongoing LGBTQ characters. For slightly older children, the representation is even stronger, with queer-inclusive shows like “Dead End: Paranormal Park” (Netflix), “The Owl House” (Disney), “The Proud Family” (Disney), and “Craig of the Creek” (Cartoon Network), not to mention the now-canceled but queerly beloved “Steven Universe” (Cartoon Network). Yes, books and media are facing increasing bans and challenges, and we shouldn’t minimize the negative impact of that. But the content is there, the breadth of it across the LGBTQ spectrum is increasing, and it will become harder to ban it all.
We have allies. Just a few recent examples: U.S. Representative Jerry Nadler (D-NY), a long-time ally, last week reintroduced the Respect for Marriage Act, which quickly passed the House with bipartisan support and awaits a Senate vote. The bill would ensure that even if the U.S. Supreme Court overturns the nationwide right to marriage equality, the federal government would still recognize all marriages valid when performed; states would recognize valid out-of-state marriages regardless of the spouses’ sex, race, ethnicity, or national origin; and the Defense of Marriage Act, which remains on the books despite being defunct since 2015, would be repealed. On a local level, straight, cisgender librarians, teachers, and community members are joining LGBTQ ones in opposition to bans of LGBTQ-inclusive books. Straight, cis people have also partnered with us to pass legislation in several states that ensures all children have equal access to the security of legal parentage, no matter the circumstances of their birth or the marital status of their parents. And people of all identities are speaking out in support of assisted reproductive technologies that could be under threat as some states consider legislation to define life as beginning at conception.
LGBTQ families are not going anywhere. We LGBTQ parents fought for our children even before Stonewall. We formed networks and organizations for protection and support in the 1970s, some of which evolved into today’s major LGBTQ organizations such as Family Equality and the National Center for Lesbian Rights. As many as 3.8 million LGBTQ millennials are considering starting or growing their families, according to a 2019 study from Family Equality. LGBTQ parents are now visible in every area of public life, from schoolteachers and firefighters to the White House Press Secretary (Karine Jean-Pierre), a Cabinet secretary (Pete Buttigieg), and an assistant secretary (Rachel Levine). Our children, six million strong, are growing up or grown and making their own marks in the world. Some have children (and even grandchildren) of their own.
Yes, times are difficult right now and may become more so. We are, however, part of a community with a proven history of survival and resilience. We’re here, we’re queer, and we are family. That’s reason enough to have hope.
Originally published as my Mombian newspaper column.