Two recent memoirs by two women who came out late in life—one Jewish, with young children; one Christian, with grown children—remind us that there are many paths to queer parenthood and many ways to follow even a similar path.
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In Late Bloomer: Finding My Authentic Self at Midlife (She Writes Press), Melissa Giberson not only shares her journey of self-discovery and coming out at age 44 with two young children, but also offers thoughtful insights on change, connection, and being true to oneself while also being a parent and responsible for others. “Living in your truth is wonderful, but starting over like this is the equivalent of erasing your life’s chalkboard: everything you had and thought you knew is gone,” she writes. She shows us her struggles—but also the moments of grace. This is also a deeply Jewish book, with the lifecycle events of Judaism and Jewish community woven into the narrative. Giberson is conscious, too, of how the “trifecta” of being “gay and female and Jewish” makes her an increased target for hostility, but she also explores how those component parts lend strength to each other. Her story is compelling—a skillful weaving of moments and memories, with often-lyrical prose.
In The Only Way Through Is Out (University of Wisconsin Press), Suzette Mullen tells her story of coming out as a lesbian in her 50s, despite having a seemingly perfect life with a loving and patient husband, two grown sons, and a home on the ocean. But when she begins to realize that she has been in love with her best friend for nearly two decades, she finds herself reassessing who she thought herself to be, and wonders whether to play it safe or open herself up to new possibilities. Eventually, she finds a new start in a new place, bolstered by new friends and a queer-led faith community, having finally chosen to live authentically as herself. Throughout the book, Mullen looks thoughtfully at the turbulent years of her coming out, sharing some of her most vulnerable moments in a lovely and moving narrative. (Content warning: Some mentions of suicide ideation.)
Both Giberson and Mullen show us the difficulties of navigating a major life transformation—but also the importance of choosing to honor one’s self. Each has deep connections, too (though more cultural and social than theological), to her faith—Giberson to Judaism and Mullen to Christianity—and each finds strength in her tradition (though not always full acceptance by everyone in their faith communities). Both authors thoughtfully explore how coming out late in life brings a host of practical, interpersonal, and internal challenges, but they also offer hope that there is kindness, community, and love on the other side. Others who are coming out late in life should find much value in them—and although my own coming out was much earlier in life, I loved both of these memoirs as a reminder of the human capacity for change, even within a family context.
This reminds me of another memoir of a parent coming out in middle age — Molly Wizenberg’s The Fixed Stars! She’s half
Jewish but not religious; that doesn’t really play into the story much. But she talks about coming to realize that she was queer after being married and having a child and running a restaurant with her husband, and how she had to upend all that when she discovered that she couldn’t stay with her husband if she wanted to be true to herself. She’s now married to a nonbinary partner who just gave birth to a baby about a year ago, though the book was published before the marriage or the new kid. I’d recommend it!
I have never read “Late Bloomer” but from the description written in this blog i most certainly feel as if I already can identify with the author.
The author wrote “Living in your truth is wonderful, but starting over like this is the equivalent of erasing your life’s chalkboard: everything you had and thought you knew is gone,” .
I think the thought of struggling to start all over again was my biggest fear that kept me from living my life as a woman who always felt as if my life would have been more complete by marrying or starting a life with another woman. The idea of forming a family in a same sex marriage has always appealed to me but now seems so distant.
Oh, thank you! Somehow I missed this one, but I’ve just added it to my database.
Thank you for your comment, Sonia. I hope you find a way to live your authentic truth, whatever that may be.