In a powerful new collection of nine personal essays, lesbian parents who raised children in the 1980s, ’90s, and early 2000s share the stories of forming and sustaining their families.
Radical Family: Trailblazing Lesbian Moms Tell Their Stories, edited by Margaret Mooney (Wisconsin Historical Society Press), shows us through revealing and heartfelt narratives not only some of the challenges the women faced, but also the community and connections they built, the love they nurtured, and how they helped pave the way for queer families today.
Judith Houck, a professor of gender and women’s studies at the University of Wisconsin-Madison, writes in the book’s forward, “Much of this book takes place at a time when the idea of lesbian motherhood was widely considered selfish, unnatural, and radical.” Nevertheless, “With no rule book to guide them, and few laws to protect them, they created a path for others to follow.”
Some of the families featured in the book. Hover over images for captions and credits.
The families here all lived in Madison, Wisconsin, a relatively progressive town in the middle of a more conservative state. They were variously formed, through assisted insemination with known and unknown donors, via international adoption, and with former husbands. They faced obstacles that included restrictions on assisted insemination and adoption for two-woman couples, lack of legal parentage for non-gestational parents, homophobia directed towards them and their children, AIDS and its impact on many of their gay men friends (some of whom were their donors), and bans on their ability to marry. Sometimes they were navigating divorce, break-ups with a partner, or homophobic relatives. The lack of legal recognition often led to financial hurdles, such as the need to carry an additional insurance policy because one partner’s insurance company wouldn’t cover a same-sex partner or the child that the partner carried. Stories were in the news about lesbians losing custody of their children simply for being lesbian, causing fears about how out to be.
And as contributors Martha Dixon Popp and Alix Olson write, “As if being moms wasn’t work enough, we had to teach our children that we and they were visible, powerful, and deserving people who were not going to be categorized by hate or ignorance.”
As if being moms wasn’t work enough, we had to teach our children that we and they were visible, powerful, and deserving people who were not going to be categorized by hate or ignorance.
These women were resourceful and creative in finding solutions, however, and in creating families that felt right for them. Sometimes a male friend (gay or straight) would agree to be their donor (in Wright’s case, with the help of “a pimento jar and a turkey baster”); while another contributor had a friend act as liaison to keep the donor’s identity anonymous. Editor Margaret Mooney and her now-spouse Meg Gaines had two different known donors, one gay and one straight, each with a spouse/partner. “In the end, our kids had three dads and three moms!” they write. “Two rubber-meets-the-road parents, but six loving adults.”
The women patched together the limited legal protections available to them at the time, such as wills and health care powers of attorney, and sometimes drafted donor agreements themselves. Several contributors were also active in the local Lesbian Parents Network, which offered community and support. And many also gave back and were active in creating wider change for queer families and individuals, for example by starting a GLSEN chapter and a gay-straight alliance (GSA), helping the local police department to better assist victims of homophobia and other hate crimes, pursuing lawsuits when they were discriminated against, and speaking out in local and national media about their families.
While their children sometimes faced homophobia, they also found resilience. Contributor Kathy Borkowski writes that her daughter “often tested new friends by telling them that her parents were lesbians and seeing their reactions. If they had a problem with it, Gretchen didn’t see any future for their friendship.” Their peers were also sometimes surprisingly affirmative in their reactions. “Reed has two moms? No fair!” exclaimed a child in Mooney and Gaines’ son’s class. And the children grew up “understanding the value of diversity on a visceral and personal level,” says Wright, and seeing that parenting, chores, and life itself don’t have to be divided by gender.
These are the moms’ stories, however, not the children’s. Mooney explains in an Editor’s Note that this was “in part to protect our children’s privacy but mainly not to speak for them: they have their own stories.” That feels appropriate and respectful. (See Further Reading below if you want the perspectives of those who grew up with queer parents in this era.)
As Houck observes, however, “No one group of lesbian mothers can fully represent the vast spectrum of experiences within the lesbian community.” The contributors are all white, mostly college educated, and middle class, she notes, and Houck calls for more stories that reflect other identities and that explore “the intersections of racism, class, and homophobia.” The stories in this collection still have value, though, Houck insists.
We persisted. We never gave up. We forged ahead, even when we had no guarantee of success. Sometimes, the only imaginable option is to keep fighting, to keep hoping, to keep stumbling, and to keep trying.
I agree on both counts. It is easy to forget, sometimes, how much today’s LGBTQ families owe to the ones who have come before us and how quickly things have changed. Widespread acceptance has accelerated in the past two decades, particularly the last one. But as a new wave of anti-LGBTQ laws and rhetoric takes hold, knowing how LGBTQ families have navigated past challenges and found joy becomes doubly important. LGBTQ families are not a new phenomenon, as I’ve repeatedly explained, and it is both informative and inspirational to know something about those who came before us. This insightful anthology about an earlier generation of lesbian families is therefore highly recommended for queer parents and prospective parents as well as for policymakers and anyone else interested in learning from the past to create a better future.
Contributors Denise Matyka and Margaret McMurray write, “We persisted. We never gave up. We forged ahead, even when we had no guarantee of success. Sometimes, the only imaginable option is to keep fighting, to keep hoping, to keep stumbling, and to keep trying.” That’s not only a statement about the past, but wisdom for today and tomorrow.
For Further Reading from the Era
Parents’ perspectives:
- We Are Everywhere: Writings by and about Lesbian Parents
- And Baby Makes More: Known Donors, Queer Parents, and Our Unexpected Families
- Confessions of the Other Mother: Non-Biological Lesbian Moms Tell All
Children’s perspectives: