When soccer stars Sam Kerr and Kristie Mewis got married last week, their baby was part of the ceremony—which feels like a good excuse to post a revised version of a piece I did many years ago about how couples (particularly queer ones) who already have kids can include them in their weddings.
As I noted in my earlier post about the recent soccer weddings, it used to be that many queer parents (including myself) became parents before marriage because they weren’t allowed to marry at the time they had kids (and out queer people had been intentionally becoming parents for decades before marriage equality). These days, however, some LGBTQ folks even see marriage as a “prerequisite” for becoming parents, while others say they hadn’t seriously considered parenthood until marrying, as this 2024 Williams Institute study has shown. I don’t know the reasons for the order in which Mewis and Kerr did things, though it doesn’t really matter; they chose what felt right for them. But clearly, some LGBTQ folks (like people of all identities), are still parents before they marry, for various reasons.
I wrote the initial version of the below nearly 20 years ago, before most LGBTQ people had that choice, however. I drew on helpful insights from Gayle Smalley, the justice of the peace whom my spouse Helen and I used for our own wedding in Massachusetts, where it was legal. She was kind enough to share some of her wisdom. I’ve updated it slightly, most notably to include some more recent queer-inclusive picture books about weddings. I hope it is still useful for those who already have children when they wed or who incorporate kids into ceremonies such as vow renewals or weddings of other family and friends.
Before the Ceremony
First and foremost, if your children are young, explain to them the purpose of the ceremony and what it means to you. That may be as simple as saying it is a way for you and your spouse-to-be to celebrate your love and your family.
Picture books may also help explain what a wedding is and what to expect. There are a couple of titles specifically about kids preparing for their same-sex parents’ weddings, while a few more queer-inclusive titles show kids getting ready for the weddings of non-parent relatives (and I’d love to see more that showcase additional family structures, gender combinations, and LGBTQ identities):
- Donovan’s Big Day, which offers a kid’s-eye view of a boy preparing for his moms’ wedding;
- Mom and Mum are Getting Married!, where a young girl wants to help on her moms’ wedding day. Also available in board book format (with different illustrations and simplified text) as Mom Marries Mum.
- Uncle Bobby’s Wedding, about a girl worried that her favorite uncle will no longer have time for her after he marries his boyfriend;
- The Flower Girl Wore Celery, about a girl asked to be the flower girl at her cousin’s wedding;
- My Uncle’s Wedding, where a boy learns what a wedding is all about as he helps his uncle and the uncle’s boyfriend prepare for theirs.
- Tío and Tío: The Ring Bearers, about two brothers who will be ring bearers at their tíos’ (uncles’) wedding in Mexico;
- The Big Day: A GIANT Celebration of Love, a fantastical tale about a small human boy who is invited to the wedding of two (male) giants.
Slightly older children may be ready for an explanation of how same-sex couples only recently gained the right to legalize their relationships; Edie for Equality, about a woman who was pivotal in helping the U.S. move towards marriage equality, is a good picture book to assist here. Children of previous relationships may also want to discuss how the marriage might affect their relationship with another parent. (We are, however, in sore need of picture books that address this topic for children of LGBTQ parents.)
If your children are old enough, too, include them in planning the event. If you don’t have a location in mind, ask for their ideas. (Yes, they may say, “the zoo”—but hey, it could be fun to have wedding photos with elephants in the background.) Let them choose their outfits, or at least one component of them, such as their favorite sneakers or bracelet. Promise to wear a necklace your child has made, or put their artwork on the invitations. If you are having a reception, get their input on what food to serve. Have them choose small gifts for the other children in attendance.
During the Ceremony
I asked Gayle Smalley, an attorney and justice of the peace in Newton, Massachusetts, who conducted the marriage ceremony for my spouse Helen and me, for some suggestions here.
The officiant should say the children’s names at least once during the ceremony, Smalley recommended, and the children be visible during at least part of it, regardless of the wedding’s size or formality, to reinforce the message that the wedding is about the whole family.
Children who want to be active participants could walk in procession with (or be carried in) the wedding party. There is also a long tradition of having special friends and family “stand up” for the couple, even though some states do not require witnesses, Smalley noted. This could be a formal arrangement with attendants, or just one or two children or adults standing with them.
An older child might perform a musical piece or short reading. Some children’s literature, such as Oh, the Places You’ll Go, by Dr. Seuss, is perfect for the occasion, Smalley suggested. Choosing a selection together can be a special part of the wedding preparations. You might also pick a poem the child has composed. Smalley recalled, too, one lesbian couple and their 9-year-old daughter who recited together, from memory, a poem that was “a longstanding family favorite” and “had the quality of a pledge about their family and the family’s relationship to the larger world.”
Some children may take more traditional roles. Smalley observed, “I have been struck by how quickly little girls will stake a claim to flower girl status. Many parents are taken aback to learn that their daughter already knows something about this role, and lesbian mothers are frequently aghast at a daughter’s sudden thrill with ruffles and lace.” It’s all about the freedom to choose, I say. For flower girls whose gender expression leans away from dresses and lace, however, these picture books offer representation that may help them feel seen (and remind their parents to be open-minded about wedding attire):
- Flower Girl, about a gender creative girl finding how to express herself at her aunt’s wedding;
- Annie’s Plaid Shirt, about a gender creative girl who loves her plaid shirt and doesn’t want to wear a dress to her uncle’s wedding.
(And yes, there’s a huge opportunity here for a book about a gender creative boy who wants to carry the flowers at a wedding.)
A child may also carry the rings, if the wedding involves a ring exchange. If a child wants to carry both flowers and rings, Smalley recommended putting the rings in a box in the bottom of the flower basket. After dropping the petals, the child can easily hand over the rings.
For some couples, the marriage represents a new role as parent for one member, and the vows might reflect this. Smalley suggested something like, “Amelia, I promise to stand by you as your spouse, for better for worse, in sickness and health, for all our days, and I promise to be a loving parent to Sara. . . .” (You could modify this if each parent had a child before the relationship began: “I promise to be a loving parent to Sara as well as to Jack.”)
Many parents present gifts to their children as part of the ceremony. The officiant might say, “As a memento of this important day, Harry and Jeff would like to present a gift to Emma,” Smalley proposed. For young children, this might be a simple plastic toy. For older ones, it could be a meaningful keepsake. Smalley related the story of a mother and her new love: “In the year before the wedding, the mother had given an engagement ring to her partner. At the wedding, the partner/new parent presented that ring to her new daughter—quite a symbolic gesture of the interweaving of their lives.”
Grandchildren may also play the roles above, although most families regard the wedding of grandparents as less of a life-changing moment for the grandchildren, Smalley has found. An older couple may prefer to have their grown children in the ceremony, and may or may not choose to have grandchildren participate as well.
Whatever you plan, don’t forget the practicalities of childcare, especially with very young tots, Smalley advised. Bring along, as necessary, extra diapers, a change of clothes (for them and yourselves), and toys and books to occupy them during the reception. Designate one other adult to carry a bag with these items and watch the children when you are occupied. Older children may need less supervision, but you might let them each invite a friend or two so they can share their family’s special day and have someone to hang out with at the reception.
Finally, no matter how you choose to celebrate your wedding, I say, use it to reinforce the love and fun of being a family.