A school district has announced that from now on, its history classes will only teach about the contributions of queer people—not straight, cisgender ones—to American history.
School Superintendent Ima N. Charge explained at a press conference, “LGBTQ parents in our community have been complaining about the dangers of exposing children to the influence of heterosexual, cisgender people. Just look at the statistics—they make up the overwhelming majority of mass shooters, for example. By eliminating any mention of them from our history curriculum, we will minimize the chances that any of our students will follow in their footsteps.”
History teacher Ann Chient, who leads the task force on developing the new curriculum, explained, “Students will now appropriately learn that the American Revolution was won through the efforts of Alexander Hamilton, the Marquis de Lafayette, and Baron Friedrich von Steuben, all with romantic leanings towards men. The North’s strategy in the Civil War was a collaborative effort of Abraham Lincoln, thought to be bisexual, and Albert D.J. Cashier, a transgender Union soldier. Our victory in World War II will be explained by the actions of queer U.S. veterans Rupert Starr and Nell ‘Johnnie’ Phelps, among others, with assistance from Great Britain’s Alan Turing.” Chient added, “And of course students will be doing a special unit on Stonewall and its many heroes.”
Charge added, “Parents shouldn’t have to worry that when they drop their kids off at school, they’ll be exposing them to lessons about the lifestyle of straight, cisgender people.”
In case it wasn’t obvious, this is satire. Unfortunately, the reverse—the elimination or queer people from the curriculum in several states, and the condemnation of all trans people because of the actions of one—isn’t.
Also, I am taking no real stance on whether the earlier figures above were actually queer. Some who have studied them more closely than I have think that they were, however, which is good enough for the purposes of this post.
For more hard-hitting Mombian news from past April Fool’s, see:
- Florida Reels as “Don’t Say Pay” Typo Threatens State Economy
- Lesbian Mom Eats Radioactive Gummy Worm; Gains Superpowers
- Lesbian Moms Create Dome Habitat to Protect Family from Getting Sick
- Trump Announces Key LGBT Appointments
- North Carolina Bans All Bathrooms
- Indiana Bans Cake in Wake of Religious Freedom Bill
- Lesbian Moms Raise Child Entirely on Hummus and Granola
- DARPA Announces Next-Generation Gaydar System
- Lesbian Mom Running for President
- New Social App Helps Lesbians Find Sperm Donors
- New Research Shows Children of LGBT Parents More Likely to Win Nobel Prizes
- Utah Mandates All Children to Be Raised by LGBT People
- “Gay Positioning System” Navigates Roads and Rights
