Happy Lesbian Visibility Day! Let’s celebrate with inspiration from some of the earliest books for and about lesbian parents, from the 1980s to early 2000s, which helped make us visible to the world, to each other, and to ourselves.
Let me start by saying that lesbian parenthood long preceded any of the books below, as I’ve explained in my earlier piece on lesbian mom history. These books, however, marked a step forward in visibility and a leap in the number of lesbians and other queer women choosing to have children together (in addition to raising children from previous heterosexual relationships).
These are certainly not the only books that existed, just a sampling (there were several that included gay men, too, for example)—and there were also plenty of homemade guides about options for family building that were created by and shared among the lesbian (and broader queer) communities even before these books came out. The grassroots nature of early queer family building is an important part of our history, too, although less accessible without visiting distant archives.
The books here have also largely been superseded by a new crop of books about starting and raising families as LGBTQ parents, which are more up-to-date on medical, legal, and social matters, and more inclusive of bisexual, nonbinary, and transgender parents. While the books below are in many ways outdated, though, they still convey something of the spirit and long history of queer parenthood, and are reminders of those on whose shoulders we stand. The desire to build our families and raise our children well has long existed, and there is still inspiration to be found in these earlier works.
Considering Parenthood: A Workbook for Lesbians, by Cheri Pies (Spinsters Ink; 1985, 1988). This book helped innumerable queer women become parents during the “gayby boom” of the 1980s. It evolved from Pies’ work in the 1970s as a health educator for Planned Parenthood, her own experience becoming an adoptive parent in 1978 with her then-partner, and the group workshops she held for other lesbians in her living room. (Read more in my 2023 obituary of Pies.)
As a lesbian considering whether to be a parent, you are not alone. You are part of a movement of women which continues to grow, supporting the right of any woman to choose whether she wants to be a parent…. Although we may face financial, social, cultural, and racial barriers, as lesbians we do have the reproductive right to have children or not have children, the know-how to conceive, and the legal right to adopt children who need good homes.
We Are Everywhere: Writings by & About Lesbian Parents, ed. Harriet Alpert (The Crossing Press, 1988), is a fascinating anthology that brings together essays, poems, fiction, diary entries, letters, and more from lesbian parents (and a few of their children) across the U.S. and reflecting a range of racial/ethnic identities.
But the truth is that for as long as there have been women, there have been lesbian mothers—women with children, loving, cherishing and somehow making their lives with women. (From the Introduction by Mariellen Langworthy.)
What’s it like, being a lesbian mother? Is it difficult? Is it challenging? Is it fun? YOU BET! I wouldn’t miss any of it! (From contributor Karen Anna.)
The Lesbian Parenting Book, by D. Merilee Clunis and G. Dorsey Green (Seal Press; 1995; 2003) is a classic by two lesbian therapists and parents, with a wide scope from family creation to raising kids.
Lesbian families are everywhere. We live in cities, towns, suburbs and the country. We attend Little League games, religious services and parent-teacher conferences. We change dirty diapers, comfort our children when they have an “owie,” ride out the storms of adolescence and beam with pride at graduations.
And we have always done so. Yet, because of homophobia and the very real threat of losing custody of our children, lesbian families have been invisible—until recently….
While we don’t claim that lesbians do a better job of parenting than anyone else, we do think that our families have particular strengths because they are lesbian families.
Lesbian Parenting: Living With Pride and Prejudice, ed. Katherine Arnup (gynergy books, 1995). This anthology is one of the first lesbian parenting books to be published in Canada. It stands as a testament to queer parenting history and to some of the common concerns and strengths that we still share.
Today, lesbians come to parenthood in many ways. From the woman fighting for custody of her children conceived within a heterosexual marriage, to the lesbian co-parent coaching her partner through labour, eagerly anticipating the birth of their first child; from the lesbian foster mother quietly applying to adopt a baby—lesbian mothers are as diverse as any group of women in society. We are found in all classes, races, communities, and countries.
Lesbians Raising Sons, ed. Jess Wells (Alyson Books, 1997). This early anthology explores the many ways that lesbian moms approach raising sons; their thoughts about gender, feminism, intersectional identities, multi-racial/ethnic families, role models, and more; and the challenges they face, both personal and societal, Several well-known voices are here, including Audre Lorde, Lillian Faderman, Robin Morgan, and Kate Kendell, but also a range of others.
We are parents unlike any others, and this is most evident in the mothering of our sons. Lesbian households are raising a new generation of men who will be significantly different from their counterparts from patriarchal families. Lesbian parenting by and large incorporates strong feminist concepts. Patriarchal families teach girls what they cannot do and teach boys what they cannot feel.
The Ultimate Guide to Pregnancy for Lesbians, by Rachel Pepper (Cleis Press, 1999, 2005), was the first book for lesbians that focused just on conception and pregnancy. Even the second edition is dated now, but this was an essential book for a generation of lesbian parents (including my spouse and I).
There is no reason why, with a bit of forethought and a lot of planning, any lesbian cannot realize her dream of becoming pregnant or having a family through adoption, surrogacy, or foster parenting…. Sure, there will be tough moments, but nothing that you, a lesbian who so badly wanted a baby, can’t handle.
For Lesbian Parents: Your Guide to Helping Your Family Grow Up Happy, Healthy, and Proud, by Elizabeth O’Connor and Suzanne M. Johnson (The Guilford Press, 2001), is by two developmental psychologists who were also co-parenting two children. Its focus was less on starting a family and more on raising one.
Your child is, in many ways, very lucky to have a lesbian mother. Children of lesbian mothers will have a different set of experiences, values, and expectations than most other children. Your child will grow up knowing that women can do anything; that there are many kinds of people in the world; that being different is okay; that love is the most important thing there is. Your child will have, as a mother, someone who is true to herself, regardless of what others think. Your child will see you demand respect from others. You can, and should, be proud of what you are doing, and the lessons you are teaching your child.
The [New] Essential Guide to Lesbian Conception, Pregnancy, and Birth, by Stephanie Brill (Alyson Books, 2002, 2006), the co-founder of Maia Midwifery and a queer parent herself, was originally published without the “New” in the title, but later updated.
Because lesbian and bisexual women must reach beyond mainstream models and definitions of family, we have the opportunity to create profoundly new models of family…. Children and parents alike are well served by a woman’s ability to choose the number of parents in a family as well as how the roles of parenting, home keeping, and income earning will be divided…. The multitude of ways in which queer people are building families speaks to how unique each of us is. Along with our diversity, we are fundamentally united in knowing that, ultimately, love is indeed what makes a family.
For more on lesbian parenting history, check out my posts from previous Lesbian Visibility Days:
- The Story of the Very First Picture Book With a Lesbian Mom
- Some Highlights of Lesbian Mom History
- 25 Years Ago, a Children’s Book Asked, “Grandma, What’s a Lesbian?”
(This is an updated version of a piece I first posted in 2024.)